With all this talk of poetic styles, I thought I'd give it a go. Being the dullard I am, I'm not sure what this could be called - but I did try to write in iambs. Feel free to tell me I've got hold of completely the wrong end of the stick.
As for content, it says almost what I want it to say, but not quite. There's half an idea lacking - but I can't put it into words - verse or otherwise. If this is to go out on mothers' day, it needs to go now.
BTW: The apostrophe in the title is not placed in error.
Mother’s day
I wasn’t there when all alone my father
Scattered ashes to the ground.
A private rite that marked the end
Of life together – an end profound.
The seasons pass, and rain, and ice, and wind
Have stirred the grit to feed anew
The leaves and blooms and new born beast
That bear the smallest part of you.
Today, my memory jogged a little more
The tear I shed falls earthward bound.
And there by chance it may combine with what was you -
We meet again within the ground.
|
If...
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
... there is any real problem , it lies mostly in the variance of the line lengths. But then that can contribute to the power of the idea expressed.
I'd drop have and the to the start of the next lines if you want them to begin with an iamb.
leafs/ leaves ?
I will not comment on the sentiment , but I think you have done pretty well with this one .
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
Thanks for the pointers, Brian. Changed as suggested. Reads better to me. Don't know why I didn't do that in the first place.
As for the spelling - very embarrassed. 
Phil |
Have and The ...
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
are the unstressed syllable of your iamb. I disagree with patterjack. No-one would stress HAVE stirred.
An iamb is two syllables, the stress being on the second:
forget. believe. guitar.
Your iambs read perfectly. If you dropped 'have' and 'the' you will be left with the now ubiquitous trochee, as I am sure we are all aware now is an inverted iamb. Nothing wrong with this of course, it is just that your iambs were correct.
However, to agree with Patterjack, the first lines all read as five beats and the others as four; but that may well have been your intention.
However, I enjoyed it.
Cheers
Brett |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
Thanks.
In defence of PJ: I don't think he meant I should drop 'have' and 'you' - just move them - which I have.
The number of beats was deliberate. It may be an unrecognised or inferior form - but at least you noticed! (Except for line eleven - six beats. Could be 'corrected' but meaning changed.)
I actually think I've learned something doing this. I wonder if I should now revert to form and go back to writing smut. At least I could do it in iambs.
Phil |
Brett
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
It was as Phil said -- I used the words drop TO, so that the next lines began with them
As they now stand the lines begin with iambs , which was not the case before .
patterjack |
Humble apologies to Phil and Patterjack.
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 |
I was ignorant of the fact that the poem had been ammended to fit the metre.
As for your eleventh line, Phil, Keats was very fond of finishing a pentameter stanza with what is called an Alexandrine (six stresses) I think Spencer did too.
Sorry for doubting you, patterjack, now I am aware that your recommendations have been heeded and it reads as I first read it (taking your criticism to be of this re-write) I don't mind admitting to feeling a right Charlie.
Here's to swimming with bow legged women.
Cheers
Brett |
Not a meter maid
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
I won't comment about the meter because I'm only just learning the terms myself.
It's not the greatest piece ever written, but hell, it sent a little tingle up my spine and even made me peepers leak a bit...perhaps because I associate strongly with the subject matter.
I understand what you mean about an idea lingering there but not fully coming across or maybe the idea is there but is too clear...I don't know.
I'm wondering what effect taking out the first verse would have. I'm not sure that's it, but there's something not fully realised. Another thought....your father scattered the ashes alone, but you weren't there....it's quite emotionally complex - we sympathise with the father (for being all alone), but also with you (for being absent)... the remainder of the poem brings you back to your mother, but the complexity of the first line doesn't seem fully resolved....
Not sure about the line,
'And there by chance it may combine with what was you'
-Is it the 'what was' that feels a bit awkward, as a phrase, although I understand it adds interest to the rhythmn of the verse? |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
I'm not bothered about metre either but thought the poem was a cry from the heart for a missing mother.
Lovely, Phil. |
Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
I may have previously mentioned that Islamic pedometers mean absolutely nothing to me.
It’s the message in the words that I look for and this had a strong clear message.
“And there, by chance, it may combine with what was you,” was, for me, the highlight.
Nice work,
Steve.
|
Written by margarita (30 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
| i really like this poem...the extra care in meter grounds the poem and there is a fuller weight to the piece. it gives a great gravitas..i enjoyed it! the first verse is my favourite. cheers |
kingship with earth
Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
I plead ignorance of poetry, but this is deeply moving. The continual reference to the soil, ie. ash, earth, leaves, ground etc, somehow seems to remind me of our ultimate kinship with the earth as human beings. I wonder if that's an inherent human thing or a religious thing, perhaps both....
Mia |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
This also struck a chord with me.
'And there by chance it may combine with what was you,
I thought that this was a very good line.
Not a mawkish or sentimental poem but a statement of true feeling well put.
Lizzy |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 6th March 2008 |
| A good poem. And the last line was a very good one. A bit of a 'memento mori' sense in it, but touching. |
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th March 2008 |
| Dear Phil - I was late coming to your poem. I'm sorry. I felt a very sad feeling deep down inside myself. There seems to be more sadness than just the sadness you feel when your mother has gone. I hope your mother knows of the tear that fell, for they fell for her, for nobody on earth can replace a mother. There is only one ever. I think everything else has been said. Quite different to my mother's day poem, but my last line meant a lot to me. |
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 28th March 2008 |
very imagery. I favour this stanza especially,
"The seasons pass, and rain, and ice, and wind
Have stirred the grit to feed anew
The leaves and blooms and new born beast
That bear the smallest part of you."
Very poetic. Thank you. |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 18th April 2008 |
Lau pointed out what I was going to comment on. The line;
"The leaves and blooms and new born beast
That bear the smallest part of you."
moved me because it is a thought I've often had. There's life after death but it isn't your life, not really. Not as you were. You become part of something. I wonder how many people have, through the processing and reprocessing of matter up and down the food chain, become a part of me?
I so fear losing my mother. Your poem is one that I will write one day; in my own words, but with shared sentiment. |
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