This is based on fact. The subject of the rumour being my aged aunt.
A True Rumour
There's a rumour going around
That I've won seven million pounds
It's spreading rapidly throughout the town
They see me on my way to toil
I hear them talk, I hear them boil
Happy to act as Gossip's foil
Jealousy is bred throughout the lot
Jealous of something I haven't got
Serve themselves for talking rot
Those that cannot cease to rabbit
Or desist their foolish habit
I would not fund even if I had it
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
It's brief, lighthearted and witty.
I felt the rapid metre of the second verse onwards suited the nature of the poem (quickfire humour),but the first verse flows differently...not sure about it.
Feels like it needs more use of the colloquial, or more like an actual character talking (e.g. the use of 'rabbit' is good), though I obviously don't know how your Aunty speaks. |
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
| Enjoyed your poem Brett, but I thought the metre was a bit out on some of the lines. the subject matter was really funny. I've often wondered whether I would hear more from my relatives if the rumour got round that I'd won the lottery.ha ha. Really good subject. |
Josie
Written by Brett (731 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
Thank you. This is not an iambic verse but is to be read more like a ballad, with four stresses to each line (not taking every syllable into count of course, but letting those four stresses fall as natural as you were telling the story):
It's SPREADing RAPidly throughOUT the TOWN
As for the subject matter, my family would certainly hear from me if I won; I just don't know where from.
Cheers
Brett |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
Liked it. I think Nathan's comment about colloquialisms is a good one.
Phil |
Enjoyed
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
And the three line stanzas are a nice change .
So -- you vary the meter from tetrameter to pentameter in places -- so what !!!! You don't, in my opinion, have to stick to strict forms of stanzas And iambics are NOT compulsory !! You can achieve better effects sometimes if you don't use them
I would have added a couple of single syllables in stanza 3 to even up the lines to pentameter and to make ihem longer as a slower philosophical contrast to the admonitory drive of the fourth stanza's tetrameter. How's that for pretentious critique?
And the closer you got to a nice mix of ballad form and conversational rhythms , the more interesting you hve made it
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Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
| Sweet revenge. Enjoyable poem! |
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 16th March 2008 |
| I liked this! Light hearted and with a good rhythm throughout! |
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