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| Awaiting Suran | |
| By eudimonia | ||
| 03 March 2008 | ||
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The main character in this story may seem a little far fetched, but this is based on someone I know through my work. Judy Garland warbled as a disinterested male voice chanted a litany of prescription drugs. I twisted my hair into a chignon and secured it with a hair clip, I would need more pins and hairspray. September 1960, I opened my wardrobe, caressing the mass of fabrics crammed into it, I hesitated, then pulled out a full-skirted dress of pink and peppermint striped taffeta. Turning to the mirror I held it close to my body I struck a pose from Vogue, but it was the wrong frock for 1960 cabaret more 1958 spring collection. I found a simple black silk frock, very Audrey Hepburn. Slipping it on I was disturbed to notice I had gained a few pounds since I last visited the early 60"s.
"The audience was ecstatic, there must have been ten minutes of standing ovation at the end of the show." Dirk Bogardes clipped tones praised Judys performance. I had a little cupboard for shoes. I had fifty seven pairs, luckily my feet were a size eight, there were always many pairs of size eights cheap in the sales, few women had feet that big. I picked out a pair of black winklepickers with kitten heels, On my dressing table I opened the make-up case devoted to foundations. I sat on the gilt stool facing the three mirrors mounted on the table.The bedroom door swung open. "Maxim, sweetie, have you been out all night?" I asked as I watched his elegant reflection flop onto my bed. He knew I would be hours yet preparing myself and he stretched out ready for sleep. A stupid Northern woman was speaking about urban regeneration, I flicked off the transistor radio. I applied pale " English rose" foundation and a preliminary dusting of "Shimmering Silk" powder. My hand shook as I attempted to draw black liquid-liner across my eye lid. I realised I had yet to take my morning pills.
Down in the kitchen I shivered as I waited for the kettle to boil. The milk in the fridge was sour and I considered a glass of wine from last nights half drunk bottle. One of my false nails had cracked, my nails would need changing, Yesterdays Marlene Dietrich Magenta would not do, Gentle Pearl Pink for Audrey. The door bell screeched. I looked out of the kitchen window, a heap of black bin bags shone slickly in the rain light. A figure stepped away from my front door, I shrunk back from the window, but not quickly enough. "Carmen, it's Tony, Tony Reed. Can you let me in, hello ?" I stood perfectly still. On the wall a Chinese dragon stared archly at me from last years Happy Garden Takeaway calendar.
"Carmen, can you let me in please? " His voice was pitch perfect, friendly, encouraging. Maybe he hadn't seen me, I turned toward the hallway door. " Listen, I need to talk to you about Suran."I dug my nails into the palms of my hands and stopped breathing. "Carmen, if you won't let me in you know I'll have to come back later, are you OK?" He hit a note of genuine concern. Edging silently into the hallway I faced the long mirror, I was a travesty, a gaunt, sallow-faced hag in an old, black frock. How could I let anyone see me before I had completed my make-up. "I can wait a few minutes, if you need to get dressed, I'll just wait here a couple of minutes. OK ?" I couldn't let him in. Accepting his well-intentioned pity would destroy my last vestiges of pride. On the hall table was a near life-sized photo of Suran smiling radiantly. He had perfect black hair, he had perfect white teeth, He looked like he didn't have a care in the world. I had to know what was happening to him. I had to let Tony in. " Give me a minute, and I'll be with you." I shouted, my irritation at Tony's intrusion all too obvious in my voice. "That's fine, great, I'll wait here then." He sounded like I'd really made his day. I wanted to scream get lost you idiot. In the bedroom I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. I brushed my long, brunette locks, hair any woman would be proud of. When I threw back the front door Tony bundled in, showering raindrops from his ridiculously large frame. "Let me take your coat." I had decided to present myself as pleasant, compliant.. I was aware however that there was an edge of disgust to my voice. "Jees it's horrible out there. How you doing Carmen? Good to see you." He was all smiles, bonhommie, like a Father Christmas out of uniform. He struggled with his sodden overcoat, dumping it on me with a grin and a "Cheers." I took it to the bathroom. As I dropped it in the bath tub a number of coins clattered noisily against the enamel, I retrieved 3 pound coins for myself. I didn't need the money but it made me feel that I was not complicit in the attempt to establish friendly relations between myself and Tony Reed. Breezing past Tony into the living room, I flopped down on the sofa. "So how have you been? I'm sorry to have missed you last week, I called round three times," I knew. I very rarely left the flat. "Would you like a cup of tea?" I attempted a pleasant smile. "That would be nice, yeah, thanks, two sugars please." Tony followed me to the kitchen. I knew he would note the open wine bottle on the side, but he could not fault the cleanliness of my immaculately tidy home. I felt a frisson of superiority as I looked at Tony in his scruffy, shapeless clothes, I imagined he lived in squalor. I stirred the sour milk into his tea. "We need to talk about a number of things today. I'll sit here OK?". He perched on a dinning chair, his flabby, great arse spread out on either side of the chair. Tony was pulling out files and paper from a battered sports bag as I put his tea down on a tablemat. I shuddered as crumbs scattered when he dropped his sandwich box. "Sorry. I'm so clumsy, my wife says I'm a walking disaster area." He sniggered. Personal disclosure, Tony wanted me to feel like we were friends. I wondered if Mrs Reed was as much of a porker as her husband. I imagined half a dozen fat little Reed piglets, all with Tony's mop of blond curls, crammed into his tatty estate car. "We need to look at your housing benefit claim, Carmen. Also, we need to reschedule the psychiatrist appointment you missed last week. You know I can take you to the hospital if you like?" His voice took on a business-like tone. I busied myself with a dustpan and brush round his feet, his big, red trainers looked like clown shoes. I felt like tying his laces together, however did he reach down across his belly to put on his shoes. "You said you had news about Suran." I emptied the dustpan, rinsed it in the sink, dried it with paper towel, then hung it back on its hook. I took my time, I wanted to appear calm, in control. "Yes I do, but we have to sort out other stuff too. Hows about we get that out of the way first?" He looked at me encouragingly, pretending I had a choice. "OK." I sat opposite him at the table. We spent five minutes on a housing benefit form. My recent name change had made for no end of administrative confusion. I had my suspicions that the change of gender in my name caused an extra, peurile, interest in the minor bureaucrat. How many times did I have to supply my details to receive the pittance they gave me to live on. I agreed to a new date with the psychiatrist. I was not adverse to a meeting with Dr. Manley. He had beautifully manicured hands and was polite, courteous. I felt I could speak candidly to him, he had said he thought me very brave to be going ahead with the gender re-assignment surgery. Dr Manley was one of the major decision makers in my case. I was concerned as to why Tony was insistent that I see Dr Manley next week, usually I saw him once every two months, my last visit had only been five weeks ago.Tony fiddled with his pile of papers distractedly. He looked up with an uneasy, fixed smile on his face. "What did you want to tell me about Suran?" I stared Tony down commandingly. "Listen, Carmen, I'm sorry,really sorry, Suran's going back to Thailand. He was discharged from hospital, It was pretty much definite that he'd be deported if he didn't go voluntarily. He leaves England next week."Tony studied the back of his hand, twisting a friendship ring wedged into the fat of his right index finger. I knew he was lying, he didn't look up, he stared at the papers in front of him. Suran would never voluntarily leave England, leave me. My social worker had tried to tell me Suran had a wife and children in Thailand. I had thought long and hard about why the authorities would want to cause a split between myself and Suran. I had not seen him in a month, he had been in hospital in the North of England, my social worker told me. I waited patiently. His mobile phone number was unavailable. I waited, nothing would keep Suran from coming back to me, he loved me. Tony carried on speaking at me, suggesting a support group I could join, asking if I'd seen my sister recently. His gentle, concerned voice droned on and on and on. I rested my head in my hands breathing lightly, I looked as if I was on the verge of breaking down in tears. Tony had to go, but he promised he would check in with me next morning. Before leaving he made sure to check I had the out-of-hours crisis service phone number and the Mind Helpline number. My performance was perfect, slightly stunned, I told Tony I needed to be alone to let it all sink in, but I would be glad of his company in the morning. He fussed for five minutes in the hallway as I retrieved his crumpled, damp coat from the bath.I displayed a little irritation, I said that I could cope, and Tony, ever-conscious of empowering me by respecting my wishes, bustled out.
I walked into the bedroom, I picked up the black dress from my bed and hung it back up in the wardrobe. I took out the midnight blue evening gown Suran had bought for me when we first met. It had a halter neck, Suran loved the way it left my delicate shoulders bare. It would take a long time to do the make-up to go with the dress, with false eyelashes, glitter for my eyes and dusted over my exposed flesh. I started to assemble the necessary cosmetics from the vanity cases around my bedroom. I would need to remove the foundation I had applied earlier, I would want golden beige to give me a sun kissed exotic look. Maxim stirred on the bed, he flicked his tail, I knew he would be hungry, but he would have to wait, if Suran had been discharged from hospital He could be here any moment.
"Go back to sleep darling, mummy's going to be a long time, but it'll be worth it. When Suran comes back I'll be ready and I'll be beautiful. Suran loves me, he would never leave me."
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