My first concentrated effort at poetry. Not a particularly monumental choice of subject matter from which to launch myself but you've got to work from the ground up (pun intended).
WARNING: product may contain traces of angst.
An ageing pox of ex-pacifiers;
parasites, attached to grounded hosts,
like the whitened lack that mottles skin,
they whisper of the hardened road.
It's true, when found in lighter hours,
a child's arrangement falls;
a gum slalom for playtime turns
and boredom to traverse.
But repetition grind digested,
a peppermint and juicy youth.
Thoughtlessly discarded, spat out, pre-kiss,
on a dated night-time raid.
Now, blank slabs of sorbitol
mould to comfort padded boot.
They wish for crass stiletto, stabbed
spike through bloated gut,
and to be dragged back regardless,
to lose the final foot-
hold, splayed amongst the fibres
of fake sheep-hide tug.
Yet, one ruminating piece rejects
the binding paste, this stomach lacking bile.
It never dreamt of Gob-less splats
in a sugarless Orbit gruel.
It longs to be embraced
in spiral arms of galaxies unveiled
and fly to universes parallel,
exploded in a bang of holy Bubblelicious.
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Spit it out
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
Thought I'd set the ball rolling by slagging off my own work...then others might not feel so apprehensive about hurting me poor feelings.
The main problems I had with this one were:choice of subject matter and imagery/observation overwhelming ideas. By the time I'd realised that, I'd accumulated all these little images and phrases, most of which I quite like and found hard to throw away (two or three verses were cut). I think in future I need to work from the central idea outwards. Also..find a central theme that elicits emotional response.
The rhythm and punctuation is intentionally restricted, fixed and repetitive in places...which ties in with the subject matter, but some might just find it all a bit dull or depressive. My favourite lines are the ones that let go of that mechanical rhythm but I felt kinda tied (gummed up) by my choice of subject matter.
It's all a bit overworked and I felt I'd chewed on it enough and had to spit it out (groan).
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Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 |
I thought this a little too rambling. Some lines here that really appealed to my sense of humour, but surrounded by, as you say, lots of little images and phrases.
Phil |
Amended version
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 4th March 2008 |
| Phil: Thanks, you prompted me to return and re-evaluate. I decided to cut out the first two verses - a fairly drastic edit, but I think the poem benefits. It is slightly subtler and less repetitive. I also changed the layout. |
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