Not too special, not too insignificant. I hope my works will mean something to you. As I walk down the ravaged street, seeing all manner of innards and skin laying about the ground, I feel disgusted, and yet feel belonging.
Demons, demons everywhere. Some standing around with a dark composure, and I fear to look into their piercing eyes.
Some demons have wings, taking flight, scaring the lesser demons to run behind their superiors, whom with a long clawed hand swat at them, casuing them to scatter.
Demons climbing up walls, demons laying ruin to other walls. Even a few demons are paired up, and staying in one place, enjoying each other's company.
Demons, devouring the meat of some poor dead animal. Demons, trying to sell your soul for a simple materialistic thing. Demons everywhere.
I reach home, frightened of the sights I have seen, and find demons in my own home screeching at each other, attempting to claw each other's eyes out. I run away from it all, escape to the upper floor, into the bathroom.
I wash my face, try to imagine it's a dream. I grab a towel, rub my face, and look into a mirror. I see my face, I smile. But I forgot one thing...I'm a demon too. |
Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 5th March 2008 | Demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons, demons.
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Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 6th March 2008 | This isn't really Sci-fi or fantasy, is it?
Yes, the streets are full of rubbish (litter as well as human trash), most people eat meat, many people have little respect for the planet or their fellow man (You looking at me?) and to some extent we are all a part of the problem.
The trouble is that you didn’t say it very well.
I thought I’d have a quick go.
A foul stench fills the air, the streets littered with offal and bile. Nauseas, filled with revulsion, I move on, seeing demons wherever I look. Yet I am also overcome by a sense of oneness, knowing beyond doubt it is here that I belong.
They are everywhere, these dark demonic creatures. They loiter not in the shadows but in plain view, enclaves of evil, gathering as crowds to feast upon the carcasses of slaughtered beasts. I dare not look them in the eye; afraid they might turn on me, hunt me down and put an end to my worthless existence.
I gaze on as those with wings take flight, causing panic amongst the minions who scamper behind their masters; masters who, with taloned fists… etcetera, etcetera.
Your profile tells us nothing, so I’d have to guess that you are quite young and new to writing. I hope that this helps you a little.
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3141 comments posted) 6th March 2008 | I thought it started well and I liked the slow reveal but must agree with steve that the sentiment expressed was a bit cliched. It's been said before and better; though if it's new to you that's fair enough, but try and find an original voice. Something new to add.
And the ending was a bit unresolved. Just when it got interesting you stopped. What we want to know is "And how does that make you feel" [you can tell I once was a social worker]
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Written by Justice_Ri_Der (5 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | *claps hands and walks back and forth*.
Cute, very cute. And bravo!!! You saw right through my devious plan. Considering I HAD NONE. It's not that I don't appreciate your comments, but that I wasn't trying to make a statement here, I was just showing my personal feelings. I wasn't trying to say that's how the world is or anything, it's a little thought I picked up once. And creative writing is about style right? Well that's mine. The questions left unanswered deal. That's all. Regardless, thanks for your feedback. |
Written by stevetroster (1399 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | Plan? There ain’t no plan.
“Not too special, not too insignificant. I hope my works will mean something to you.”
“You saw right through my devious plan. Considering I HAD NONE.”
Mm, so you hope it will mean something even though you didn’t mean it to!
A round of applause to you, then. Or perhaps just one hand clapping.
All the best and good luck.
| Powerful & Visual
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 13th March 2008 | I really like this. I would read this sort of work if it was available on the market. My imagination takes off. I ask, what happened to the world, the city or wherever it is you are describing? What happened to all the people? What happened to the protagonist? And I want to know what will happen.
If I'm reading a story, I'd rather watch what is happening and feel it, rather than being told what to feel. I don't want the writer to do too much thinking or reflecting for me. So I personally relate better to the way you do it. Visually. I find it powerful.
I am an average reader, who basically likes good story-telling (better if it has components of in-depth reflective writing). I have a feeling you are capable of both.
Since it's a short piece, I have just one problem.
'Demons, trying to sell your soul for a simple materialistic thing.'
(I found this a little out of place. Everything else the demons are doing seem to be concrete physical things. This is abstract, and I felt it sort of hung. It thought this statement had to be supported, or changed into something concrete that shows us how they are selling one's soul.)
Anyway, I found this fascinating. Liked it much better than some other things availlable on the market. I hope you can develop it into something bigger.
Do keep writing. Many readers are average people like me.
Mia |
Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | I thought this was ok. Not really a story, more a glimpse of one. It didn't strike me as metaphorical until reading some other reviews but yes it could be read that way as. Personally I read it as some doomed soul discovering he has been consigned to hell but that's my Catholic guilt kicking in probably.
It was short and sharp but perhaps could benefit from a little expansion. |
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