Dear Hilary Tumble-Down

I am SO delighted with the results of your recent advice in this column. A very nice man, Mr Trotter, got in touch with me and offered me two splendid ponies for my darling boys. The price was very reasonable, given that they had been previously owned by the Prince (or is it, one of them is called Prince? I can’t just remember. The boys do call them all sorts of names, but Prince isn’t one of them.)

Anyway, the boys are learning SO much. It is very good for them to have to run round the field every morning in order to catch the ponies. After a month of practice their rolling falls at the gallop are truly perfection to watch. They seem to have broken a lot of polo sticks, but Mr Trotter says that’s normal, and to reassure me he tells me that “The Rocket” must have "broken a few cues" before he reached his current standard of excellence. I didn’t know that polo players had nicknames.

It is just wonderful how much we are all learning, through your charming column.

Thank you so much.

effervescently yours
Hon Meriel Appleby-Station

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Nah then, Hair Ball

Ah's just heerd about yon woman in America that’s been in a coma for fifteen year. By gum she must be a tough ‘un. Nae food and nae watter an’ still she hangs on. She went six days widdoot once an’ didn’t dee. If’t hed been a dog ye’d be able to put an end to it honestly an’ if ye didn’t t’RSPCA wad be efter ye.

I might ha’ suspected she’s really a feller; they can sleep for ivver; but she can’t be: they cannat ga sae long wi’out their stomachs wake ‘em up.

Yrs frugally
Nora Forthright

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Dear Hardly Tilted Doc

I’d like to thank all your readers who have helped me with suggestions as to what to do with the Pullet-St-Mary black puddings. Sadly, they seem to have abandoned their usual habitat. I haven’t seen them since the Hunt Supper, when I refused to buy a ticket because the hot pot didn’t have a vegetarian option. I shall of course keep you informed if I rediscover them this summer.

In the meantime I’ll be studying the habits of tits – the blue kind. My girlfriend says she’d rather I found her some long-tailed ones. What do your readers think?

Yours
Alan Eversoe-Slightly, NVQ 2 WGC