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By gutterkitty
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05 March 2008 |
Having difficulty with this one...not sure about the first stanza or the end and I don't really know why. Help?
I wished for your hand
slipped up
the back of my shirt,
its emergence in the hot of my mouth.
For the fingers closing gently
over tongue palpitations,
the constant hum like a bee.
Your smile is silence,
overriding the chatter of teeth
like cicadas, even when lips met.
You showed me quiet in the shape of arms,
traced peace over shivering eyelids.
Perhaps I can’t unlearn
the shifting silhouette,
butterfly tongue. Still with
the flutter of fingers at my back
my heart nestles like a bee,
foxgloved.
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 5th March 2008 | | I don't have any problems with it. It's extremely sensual and dreamy and captures the contrast of the nervousness and uncertainty of the speaker and the embracing confident silence of the other / lover. Wonderful. | as usual... Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 5th March 2008 | ... your compression of imagery leves me all a-wonder ! Couple of queries , but I will email them as soon s i have time . Patterjack | Written by Toad (100 comments posted) 6th March 2008 | | very pretty. I liked it all. perhaps you have doubts about the 1st and 3rd stanzas because you think the back of the shirt - tongue connection is unclear? I think it could be clearer but can really be read by each reader in his or her own way, and I wouldn't change anything. | Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | Thanks for your comments Nathan, Brian and Toad. For me the piece is a bit too abstract and jumbled to be fully effective but it's really nice to know that you got something from it and it's worth saving from the bin. | Indeed it is Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | I did not make a reference to its sensuality ( I leave that to the younger reviewers ) but it is there in spades Save it from the bin for sure !!!!! patterjack | Written by FlightlessWings (5 comments posted) 8th March 2008 | | Very beautiful, your imagery was quietly intense wich i sence is the feeling of the subject. Wonderfully written! | Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | Thank-you! Glad you enjoyed it  |
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