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By Avril
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06 March 2008 |
I lately feel as if my friends are leaving me one by one for other groups of people. (The joys of middle school!). This piece is purely metaphorical, no one I am close to is on their death bed right now.
Though he does continue on,
his heavy heart does slow its beating.
His rumpled spirit like a fawn,
alas! alas! is quickly fleeting.
That whisper in my ear does tell,
that I shall see you once again.
Adeiu, adeiu, I bid thee well,
Forever here I will remain.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | I suspect this isn't your real voice. I think you are trying to be "poetical" in the classic sense with words like adieu and alas. You ,also, don't have to resort to that sort of phrasing to write poetry. Widen your knowledge of poets and poetry, then say what you want to say in your own voice and avoid lazy cliche.It kills any work stone dead. |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | I agree with Bottleblondesurfer about the words, although sometimes if you are writing an old-fashioned poem, you need these types of words. However, if this is a modern poem, we would not normally say "Adieu" - we might say - - - - well, what would you say? As we are studying meter in our workshop, I looked at yours which is quite good. I guess you have studied iambic pentameter in your poetry classes at school? Apart from starting on a strong beat instead of a small light word to start with, the rest of your meter is good. Look at the start of the second verse: Read it and you will see that the first word is light and the second contains the heavy beat. Well done. Why not join our workshop soon starting in Poets' Tavern? | nul points
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | Whenever you find you want to add in "does" or "did" or "so" to pad out the metre, make a note to yourself - "I am falling into a structural trap and this will end up as doggerel".
As a practice metrical piece, well, the scansion's all over the place anyway.
As an expression of feeling - which I've no doubt is real - you've lost your way by forcing it to rhyme and trying to make it scan.
Abandon the "poetical" turns of phrase, find clear, relevant words to describe the loss of friendships, and make a memorable little poem out of this. If you can then gently build those words and ideas into rhyme and a structure, you will have done extremely well. | Thank you
Written by Avril (7 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | Thanks to all of you for your reviews, I found them very helpful. I actually agree with Bottleblondesurfer, I went back and read it again and I don't think it is very authentic. |
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