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Written by fellpony
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07 March 2008 |
... Exercise, sparked by Avril's "Farewell". Just a quick example of how an idea can be pinned down to a metaphor and extended to suggest further meanings without indulging in "poeticisms".
We’re channelled like the autumn twigs
torn by the storm from bankside trees.
I’ve felt you drifting on the stream,
sometimes ahead, sometimes behind.
In parallel, we look like friends,
riding the ripples side by side,
but I’ve no hold on currents here,
no guarantees of where you ride.
Wave, sometimes, as you pass me by.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | Nice and simple. I like the dreamy tone. There does seem to be a bit of a jump between the idea of twigs torn from trees and the concept of two people drifting down a river, though. And the line "sometimes ahead, sometimes behind" is a bit wishy-washy- I feel you could do with something sharper there to give a clearer idea of what you mean. |
Written by Avril (7 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | I like the image, it's the idea I was going for in "farewell." Now I can see what you meant about using clear relevant words to get the point across. | point made
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | and well taken, Avril - go an and see what you can do with something similar. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | Poetry is no friend to me (she is merely someone who occasionally humours my ineptitude), whilst metre is something that replaced feet and inches.
But I’d just like to say: “Very nice”.
| I do
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | like this and compared it to Avril's poem. Much sharper and succinct. | not perfect ...
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | | and not intended to be - merely a quick example to back up a review I gave Avril on her preceding piece. GK is right about the first two lines, and I could easily work it up so that there is a simple rhyme scheme; but that wasn't the point, as I'm sure you realise. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | Gutterkitty: I'm not sure there's such a jump....'channelled' strongly suggests water / current and the second line shows us that the twigs are 'bankside'.
'sometimes ahead, sometimes behind' ..yes, I see what you mean, it's a clear enough image but what is being implied?..in what way are people / friends 'ahead' or 'behind'? It is a nice dreamy phrase though and fits the drifting motion of the current.
'In parallel, we look like friends,' this made me think of 'lost' friends, ones that have drifted away...are they still 'friends'and at what distance do they become merely aquaintances!? The next line is really good too: 'riding the ripples' such a great little phrase for life's turbulence.
'Wave, sometimes, as you pass me by.' First impression was ...a slightly weaker line than the rest of the poem. The 'wave' is strong...tying in with the water, but not sure about the third repeat of 'sometimes'?
Really great piece. Loved it. Just an 'exercise' though? You're trying to scare us! |
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 7th March 2008 | "Just an 'exercise' though? You're trying to scare us!"
No - merely to offer an imperfect example at short notice :-) | Metaphor
Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | | I love your descriptive imagery used, it speaks to me of the flow of life - like riding on the different strength of wind and currents of tide rushing past or in different directions, knowing we are there for each other just so caught up we miss each other along the way....always one of us too busy 'ahead or behind' to stop and 'wave'. A very nicely written piece with good comparison! |
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