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Science Fiction and Fantasy
Keys, Cogs and Silver
By menub
08 March 2008
This is my first ever submission to GW and the first time I've actually attempted to write a story in my whole life - well, at least since I was a child.

In order to write something I decided to just start to see where it took me. It happened to be into the realms of Science Fiction/Fantasy.

There are many loose ends and explanations necessary in this piece of work but I didn't want to continue too long, I just wanted to produce a small sub-story as a discrete entity before attempting anything bigger.

Anyway, I hope you find it interesting. Thanks!

Beneath a long flowing black overcoat two hot feet pulsate against the shadowy pavement. The darkness of the city night engulfed the empty street, the only relief to the dark being the remaining functioning streetlamps that lined the road. Her arms and lungs pumped in the cold night air, a lone woman in pursuit of her nemesis.

Lica skidded around the corner onto a wide boulevard and shuffled up against the wall into the shadows so as not to be seen. A tall metallic colossus of a man was crouching a few hundred yards down the street and was closely examining a large red cylinder. Lica noticed that one of his arms was totally inside the red object as if trying to reach something inside it. Despite being bent over he still stood over fifteen feet tall. His perfectly formed silver body glimmered under a streetlamp directly above, he seemed to not care if he were spotted or not. There was no sign of any joints or sharp edges on the silver man’s body. If Lica hadn’t dabbled in those things she didn’t understand she would have thought him to be made entirely from molten silver. But to her cost she knew more than she had ever wished to know about Yerev and his kind.

It had been eight tough years since Lica had looked into Yerev’s dark dank dangerous eyes. At the time she believed that those two thin entrances to Hades would be the last thing she would ever see. That awful day he took away her only love, her only passion. She couldn’t let him get away this time. Not after how she had suffered.

Although she had stopped running her heart was still thumping hard and her breaths were still quick. Certain that Yerev hadn’t seen her Lica reached into her deep pockets and drew out a small gold slab about the size of her palm. The device looked brand new but was in fact very, very old, ancient even. No one at the Bureau knew how old it was and only a few souls were now left who knew how to use one safely. One side of it was covered in tiny keyholes all of different size and depth. The other side bore the carving of a single eagle just about to take flight. Lica crouched down and not taking her eyes of Yerev, placed the slab gently on the floor so that the vacant keyholes were facing her.

She stooped behind the gold block and delving into her pockets once more she pulled out a bunch of keys. The keys were of the same dazzling golden colour as the slab and were of many different shapes and sizes. Lica flicked through several stubby wide keys, the function of which she still wasn’t sure of and chose a long thin one with razor sharp grooves.

Shaking, Lica slid the key into the keyhole that was in the perfect centre of the slab. She knew that tonight was the only night in eight years that the conditions were right for a capture. It would be another eight before the cogs were aligned in this way again. Her thumb and forefinger slowly turned the key in the lock. Lica heard an almost silent click, a distant whirring sound that didn’t appear to come from the object at all but from a distance street somewhere over the top of the buildings and then the ticking began…

Reviews
Not much to review
Written by ianhobsonuk (150 comments posted) 12th March 2008
There’s not much here to review, or to get excited about, but here are my thoughts: 
 
First sentence present tense; second sentence past tense – not a good start. Then I’m guessing, but not sure, that the overcoat and pulsating feet belong to the same person whose arms and lungs are pumping. Also, I’d have thought that someone dabbling in something that they didn’t understand would, as a result, be no wiser, rather than knowing more than they had ever wished to know. The fourth paragraph starts well, but ‘brand new’ suggests a familiar object rather than a strange device, and the word ‘souls’ doesn’t sit right. Couple of typos: ‘of Yerev’ and ‘distance street’. 
 
Hope this helps. 
 
Ian 
Guiseley, UK 
Hi
Written by vixer805 (22 comments posted) 13th March 2008
i like it. halfway through i was already thinking anita blake, which is good. Laurel K Hamilton is a big favourite of mine. 
you have raised a lot of questions and my curiosity. 
i tend to write fragments this length or shorter, and then take abuse for posting them. ah, life is hard. :cry  
i'm intrigued and would like to know more about the characters, the gadget, the back story etc. i have no major criticisms and would be very happy to read further. 
 
so to business: nitpicks; 
your first paragraph does take a bit of thinking about to comprehend. this isn't fatal, it just takes a little bit of processing. (swop pulsate to pulsated and the tense problem is sorted.) 
on 'pulsate', perhaps as a default i thought of walking rather than running, (missed the relevance of arms pumping) and then failed to 'see' the speed involved. 
on a reread, speed is apparent. maybe that's just me. 
 
i stumbled on pronounciation of Lica. is it like Lisa or Lika? as long as you clear this up in the first instance you can probably forget about any difficulty thereafter. 
 
Yerevs posture - even 'bent over he stood'. we know he's bent over. don't use the word 'stood' to describe his bent over height. 
 
'if Lica hadn't dabbled'... this bit needs rewrit. maybe try 'another observer would have thought'... then contrast Licas special expertise. (she must understand to some extent, she works for the Bureau.) you've got a weird double negative thing going on. 
 
dark dank dangerous. needs commas. also and more importantly - dank -??? like a wet cave? deep might work. still needs commas though. test some alternatives without sounding like you have a texas accent. :p  
 
'looked brand new' works for me. (typos - off and distant.) 
 
overview: liked it. more would be good. maybe set the scene a bit more - temperature, weather, smells, location, danger. 
 
rock on, 
jon
doh
Written by vixer805 (22 comments posted) 13th March 2008
i also meant to say; 
love the title. :grin

Written by menub (1 comments posted) 13th March 2008
Thanks very much for all your comments. I have taken them all on board - you'll be surprised to hear I actually agree with all of them! 
 
As I said in my intro it's the first thing I've written in a very long time, I'm starting to understand what I have to consider when writing something! 
 
- I know it is incomplete - I started writing it and quickly realised that to actually complete the story it would require a novel sized piece of work! 
 
Lica is short for Angelica, you are totally right that it needs to be included in the story somewhere. 
 
Again, thanks for taking the time to read (and reply).

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