Its not my best
The match; first stroke is bright and brilliant.
Vigorous heat that seems to warm the world around you.
Takes away the sense of loneness and produces bliss.
With this new found ambiance brings a gust of ignorance,
that carry the flame out of our atmosphere all together.
My box of matches is almost empty, with a void soul how can I love.
You would think you would learn from the mistakes but reiterate.
My life is going cold and conceited, weary ways from the past will
get me again and my life will be over with self gratitude.
This will not be the end, I will not stop, I do not need matches to start a fire.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3566 comments posted) 8th March 2008 |
It started well but I do think you lost your way with the metaphor. It felt a bit laboured. I liked the ending but not sure how you got there. cheers Jane |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 8th March 2008 |
I think the metaphor you used was great. The only problem is in the finality of the message, there is some severe contradiction which bewilders the reader. Good use of the metaphor, but somehow got lost in the work. That's okay though. We're here to learn to do better. Cheers! |
thanks Written by sarahh (18 comments posted) 8th March 2008 |
I completely agree with you guys. I thought I went a little over board with the metaphor and I wasn't going to post it but, I thought what the heck. The ending is a little weird I know, when I was writing this I was having a conversation with my sister and it seem to change the message of the poem last second. Thanks for the reviews. |
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