Failure: Jeff Fernandez: jfernandez@nhs.net

I had experience with that. It was like something was unlocked inside of me that was so glad to be released. I mean I could not have kept a lid on it all of the time?"
 
Why was it uncontrollable?
 
" It was feeding of so much pain and anger I was surprised at that. It was a cure and I thought I needed it. But the feeling of power was also something new. Very new and it overwhelmed me. I needed nothing more than this feeling as often as I could. Nothing else mattered nothing at all."
 
Did you ever think of your family?
 
" Of course, but in a twisted sense. I knew that my physical limitations where a directly linked to them. I was not content like my father to have an ordinary looking woman. I wanted what my friends had and I wanted plenty of it. I blamed them for me feeling this way. Why did they have me in the first place? I was a borne loser sexually because of them and their unwillingness to challenge and think of a way out."
 
Have they met you recently?
 
" No and I never want to see them. They feel guilty for creating a monster. They created me as Frankenstein they feel. But I have never felt more alive and happy when I have

committed an act of ‘work'. I am really grateful I had the opportunity to live and learn to experience that really. I should thank them for that at least. But they have never visited in years. I don't know where they are really."
 
Where do you feel you are now?
 
" In a feeling of learning that there is a consequence to my actions and some are very damaging to the people I have worked over. I know that, but I do not feel any real remorse or sadness that I did the things that I did. I suffered and was damaged by the way certain women and society saw me. As a failure and a problem. A failure is not a nice experience, let me tell you that now. I was so unaccustomed to that, being clever and able and popular with the males at least. I was never really violent towards them apart from the idea of getting even. Really, I know what I did was not an answer, but I do not regret doing it. I have, as I said before, never felt more alive."
 
You feel alive now?
 
" No not now... but I have done. I feel I have had my life and will do the same thing again. I cannot help myself. Inside here I have a structure and a regime to follow and people to make me follow it. Outside.. I am feel and in a post-modern sense can create a ‘new' me without the past. But I do not want to... I want to experience that feeling again. To me it is LIFE."

Would you mind stepping outside the door while the panel discusses the options
 
Man walks outside and the door slams behind him.
 
There is silence. He takes a cigarette and lights it. One can hear the drags of nicoette and the smoke being exhaled.
 

A guard approaches the man and says

You can come in now
 
The door opens and slams behind him. One can hear to ruffling of papers.
 
" The panel all agrees that while you have some why to go in recovery, you have shown a telling sign of acknowledging the difference between right and wrong behaviour. We have granted your release from prison early with tagging and daily reporting to probation. You will be placed in a safe house and details of this will be posted to you. Thank you for your time."
 
You feel that all?
 
" Yes."

Here the man gets up to walk out of the room. The keys clang as the door opens and shuts behind him. He is deep in thought but we hear:
 
Well... well... well who is the failure now. Is anything really my fault?