Not sure about the title...Anything else I should be worrying about?
Your eyes were like the gentle
hands of an origami lover,
unfolding me into a many-winged
creature of silver laughter.
I left a trail of gold behind me,
dropped gems between your sheets.
Then I butterflied away,
left you hungry, Midas before the gift.
All dull, all grey, the clouds stiff
and rough, their lining ripped away.
The transformation became harder,
and now only one pair of wings.
My laughter fell heavy, solid
and binding as silver chains.
You found red circles in your skin
when you woke, and remembered
what rest had been before I
interrupted it with precious nudging,
the pressure of my body in the dark.
You remembered how sickly
the taste of gold could be,
how difficult to scrub from carpet.
Then one day I stumbled on the kerb,
you reached out to catch my arm
and saw that I was just a girl.
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sent
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | a review by email
patterjack |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | This has some wonderful ideas and imagery in it. The first stanza is very good except maybe a few lines? There's a shift in imagery in the last two, not sure how intentional?
There's something about the line: 'dropped gems between your sheets' which I'm unsure about...is it too intimate, or carrying the imagery too far or maybe 'gems' makes me think of jewels rather than silver / gold...or it may be something else....not being much help am I?!
'The transformation became harder,
and now only one pair of wings.'
Is 'transformation' the right word? Again, not sure,....I'm imagining a butterfly (relationship) that's lost a pair of wings....dying, degrading, falling apart yet still capable of flight...maybe I'm being too literal and obvious (the typical view of transformation of a butterfly being it's emergence from the chrysalis...it may have been your intention to overturn this). Maybe it's just me...that 'transformation' for some reason implies a positive change.
'My laughter fell heavy, solid
and binding as silver chains.'
The continuation of the silver/gold imagery feels a little stretched here. The 'silver laughter'(lovely phrase, which definately works) has become 'silver chains', but how are silver chains heavy and binding? I tend to think of silver chains as delicate, light...(Off the top of my head, I thinking of the word 'tarnished' though that's a bit too overworked.....)
'You remembered how sickly
the taste of gold could be,
how difficult to scrub from carpet.'
Very imaginative...and really quite dark.
Title's not quite right.......just reminds me of the awful 'Golden Girls' sitcom that was enforced on the british population in the eighties.
PJ: would love to know your impressions.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | I found this a very intimate piece, GK - you stripped bare, almost. The last word gives the piece its strength. 'Girl' lends it an innocence I felt from the start - even though, as mentioned, this reveals much of you in a physical and emotional way - innocence was there under the surface all along. While you wrote 'butterfly' - I thought 'fairy' - almost Tinkerbellesque. There's something here about the emerging wonder of sexuality and experience that we all felt at one point. (Well, at least I did.) I do hope this makes sense. I know exactly what I mean. Perhaps I'd have to write a poem to express it!
Liked very much.
Phil | This has become a very long reply...
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | Thanks PJ, Nathan and Phil 
PJ- my Durham e-mail seems to have temporarily packed up (oh the joys of technology)- when I get your comments I'll be sure to reply. Unless you'd like to re-send them on GW?
Nathan- thanks for such an in-depth critique! Did you get my message thanking you for your comment on Birds? I did try to send it but I don't know if it worked.
1) The last two lines of the first stanza are intended to be very different from the others, to illustrate the dichotomy for the man between the world when I was present and the world when I was not.
2) The section on gems might be a bit difficult to remove as it recurs in the second stanza, but I can see how it might not link in so well with the silver/gold theme which is prevalent through the rest of the piece. Perhaps the gems are too "solid", in a sense, whereas the other metaphors- the silver laughter and the trail of gold- are a bit more abstract?
3) Not trying to dampen your interpretation, it's perfectly valid, but the transformation is a reference more to the girl than the relationship. It's one that occurs every time she sees her boyfriend, and is a positive thing but she finds it more and more difficult over time to become that beautiful thing he sees...either that or he stops seeing it over time, or a mix of both. The line itself seems a bit clumsy to me and not delicate enough but I haven't quite worked out how to fix it yet.
4) The silver chains- here I agree with you, though again I'm not sure how to work it out...The idea was that the "silver laughter", where the positive connotations of silver are used (precious, beautiful) is overturned to show the cold, hard nature of metal, and the chains are indicative of the binding nature of being in a relationship. But because they are metaphorical chains, do they need to be heavy to be binding? I wonder if replacing "solid" with "cold" would change the emphasis.
5) The title does need changing. I wanted to use something with "Midas" in the title, like "Midas' Girl", but the piece isn't really an analogy for that story so I'm not sure it would work. I also thought of "Touching Midas", as a play on the Midas' touch, but that's a bit too much like an innuendo for this piece...
Phil- wow, nice to know I worked all that in there. I don't think it was my specific intention, but these things have a way of working themselves into poems...Thanks very much.
| In reply to your reply to my critique (p
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | 4) Just a thought...'my laughter fell heavy, condensing into silver chains'? A cooling and solidifying? not quite right and part of me is embarrassed to make suggestions.....a tricky line...'silver laughter' is so good you've almost got to up it in the second stanza.
5)'Gilded' something, maybe?
There's also the lovely simile of the first lines...the origami lover, the paper butterfly, the relationship/girl unfolded...I was half expecting some return to that imagery...
I don't think I received your message...if you send a PM without a subject they don't get delivered...it may of been that.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | I like the condensing, but I think maybe it's too much of a stretch as a metaphor. Not that I'm one to talk, I go overboard with my metaphors all the time! Don't be embarrassed, we're all struggling in the dark when it comes to poetry so any suggestions are helpful.
I like Gilded! I think that might be the right title. I shall try it on and see how it fits. And I am mortified to see that I spelt origami wrong...
I can't remember whether my message had a subject or not...At any rate what you said did make my day, so thanks very much. |
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | | I like the way this is developing. You will probably continue to work on that middle stanza: for instance, I am still unsure quite what the "transformation" and "one pair of wings" represent. I thought stanza 1 and 3 delightful. Origami lover ... there's a wonderful phrase. | See all above
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 9th March 2008 | In my email , GK , I said very briefly what these percipient people have said here
They have also extended my own understanding of the poem , which I think is a great piece of work , if a tad compressed.
But that's you , isn't it !
patterjack |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | Thanks fellpony. I guess this poem is a bit more opaque than I originally thought...the idea is that the girl feels ordinary and plain until she's with her lover and he makes her feel like a beautiful creature. In the first stanza she is "many-winged" but as his feelings for her fade, she becames a creature with one pair of wings in the second stanza, until finally in the last stanza she's wingless and can't even keep herself from stumbling. Hope that makes sense...
You've changed your tune PJ- in your e-mail you didn't seem to like the piece much at all! I'm still thinking about your comments but I'll be sure to reply soon. |
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