I was Awake, because the day wasn’t long enough. But rules from my superior stated that eleven pm was the correct time to call it a day. The door to my bedroom was closed as i sat restless in the dark. I opened the blinds to peer at the stars hoping they would give me reason to dream. But instead they gave me an idea.
My window was easily and quietly open able. I unsnapped the locks along the top of the window as mutely as possible. The bottom panel slid up with a soft felt-on-felt sound. The net popped out with more noise than i would have liked but after a few moments of silence and stillness i knew it went unnoticed to my superior in the next room. I slipped outside into the cold fresh air. It seeped through my thin night shirt but not through my sweats. It felt refreshing and intoxicating. It brought up all the strength i had left in my body and forced me to run.

I ran faster and harder than i had ever run before. Barefoot, i was barefoot and my running felt natural and perfect. I wasn’t self conscience or tired and i thought i could run forever as i ran up the hill, past the church, down the street, through the park, and towards the bridge crossing over to my favorite ballpark. I ran a twenty minute walk in about four minutes, without losing my breath, which amazed me as i am extremely asthmatic.
 
I thought i could run forever but the river under the bridge stopped me like a passionate kiss breaking the tension of sexual anxiety. It sparkled, and my childish imagination, though i was already nearing fifteen, could see tiny sparkling winged beings flitting around its edges. It ran smooth and quiet. Peaceful enough to give me the sleep i had been looking for, when gazing upon the stars. I went to the end of the old bridge and crawled beneath it. The dirt was cold on my feel and the sharp rocks along the river hurt my hands but i soon came to a small clearing, upon which i laid down and skipped my fingers playfully along the water.

I stayed there for what must have been a few hours, because i was getting very sleepy. I sat up and my bones ached with fatigue. I was ready to return home. I turned around and a painful jab of fear stung my heart. My eyes widened and a small choked gasp escaped my lips. Not a foot away from me was a man.

A tall built man. And i was frightened because i could not see his face. He spoke not. I chose to avoid problems and i too did not speak. I simply went to walk around the faceless stranger. But i was not allowed. his hand around my wrist wasn’t cold, like i thought it should have been. It as warm, and this disturbed me. I tried to pull away. One jerk. But i was surprisingly weak in my fear.

This must of angered him, and here he first showed his strength by swinging my whole body to the ground in one motion. I stayed there, too shocked to move or speak. I said nothing and didn’t struggle when he was touching me. But when he started taking his hands under my shirt i attempted to get up and run. But i couldn’t. I was weak and he was strong. He held both of my hands in one of his above my head. With his other hand he stripped me of the warmth, comfort, and protection of my sweats. With great force he parted my legs and placed himself between them. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.

Throughout this whole procedure i never failed to scream, to shout for help, to struggle with all that i could, and to cry. I cried tears so warm they seemed to burn my face, and i couldn’t stop because i knew what would happen next.

An impact. So large. I can never forget it. He pushed himself inside me hard and fast, and all i could feel was my dignity being torn from me. It hurt like a pain i had never felt before. One that dug at my heart and soul as well as my body. And i couldn’t struggle anymore. Eventually i gave up on screaming as he relieved himself of sexual fasting. But i never stopped crying. Even when he left me lying there, my body soiled and my heart wrenched horridly from my chest.

I was emptied of all that is good. And i was filled with a dry sorrow, of one dying alone. I thought i would die there. I hoped i would die there. I believe for a moment that i did. After hours i noticed the sun coming up and i knew i must return home because no one should know of this. No one could know what had happened to me. It took a long time to get home. It seemed like a lifetime as everything i once thought was dear seemed far away now.

All i wanted was sleep and i never wanted to get up. But i had to hide the evidence. If someone knew...I didn’t know what would happen if someone found out. My mother would be angry for my deception to her, sneaking off at late hours. My friends would pity me. I didn’t need that, i needed to be alone, and i didn’t want anyone to touch me ever again. Ever again...
 
I crawled back through my window and erased all signs that it had ever been opened. I slept for more hours than i could have ever thought possible. When i awoke i faked a sickness to my superior so that i could return to my bed. This is how it went for a week or so. Of how long i couldn’t be sure now, because time was so distant. Nothing mattered because i still hurt, i could still feel him inside me.
I knew i had to return to the reality of the world around me if i wished my incident to go unnoticed. And so i went back to school. I didn’t eat lunch with my friends as usual, i couldn’t bare to fake another smile, another laugh. I hid in the library and escaped inside books as i had done as a child when i was without friends. I told myself it was ok, as long as i spoke little and no one touched me.

I couldn’t be touched ever again. Ever again...