I loved a shadow.
Sworn allegiance to a ghost.
Was I such a fool?
The tears of a girl
Cut through her big brother's heart
Yet who comforts him?
In seas of silence
That are filled with quiet tears
My hope is drowning
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Sworn allegiance to a ghost...
Written by Brett (983 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
That's a line that causes much imagery and a thousand stories could branch off from that one line alone.
The second Haiku I found the most powerful, profound almost. I think you should write more of these.
Cheers
Brett |
Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
Thank you Brett.  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3566 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
Some really nice ones here. Keeping to the form must be difficult . These were limited by words but not by sentiment. Clever stuff
jane |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
Particularly liked the second, and like Brett, that second line of the first sparked plenty.
Phil |
Beautiful
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
It touches me deeply, makes me want to know more.
What is the poet's relationship to the girl and her big brother? Why is the girl weeping? Who is the shadow? But I guess if I had too many answers, it might spoil the beauty of the questions.
Mia |
Well done, Maus
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
good solid emotional impact
Would swore rather than sworn make a difference do you think .
i would not want to argue a point here , I am just seeking your own opinion
patterjack |
Hi Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 9th March 2008 |
| I too liked all three of these. But I think the bottom one is my favourite. |
Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 10th March 2008 |
Thanks everyone.
Actually all three poems are related. Sometimes one have to write things off his chest |
Nice work
Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 11th March 2008 |
You follow good 5-7-5 Haiku form and paint great picture. I used to write Haiku like this too, then looking deeper discovered the work of some of the old masters and how it translates. Being new here and to the subject I don't want to say much....just to introduce you to the nearest form we can use that is 2-3-2 -beats not syllables as Japenese onji does not translate exactly. We do not however have to be spot on but near as for perfection and we must paint picture with a revelation in few words as possible. Left some examples for Brett too. A couple for you..mmm.
opium dens
narcotic dreams -
poppy fields
or
washing machine
clean clothes wet -
...key
of course you may be happy with the style you have chosen but I find this way to be more challenging and satisfying as it makes you think impact description in few words ready to take to your other poetry. Please note this is not criticism in any way, just something as fellow writer of Haiku i thought you may like to be aware of. I hope it is something you will wish to try yourself and look forward to reading you more. Kindest thoughts and wishes, Anna-Marie.
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Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 12th March 2008 |
Thanks Anna-Marie.
I must admit I didn't know that. I may have tried a lot of poetry styles here, but wouldn't dare to call myself a poet. I'll see if I can do something with your suggestion. Seems challenging! |
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