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By Brett
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11 March 2008 |
I am aware of my recent idleness. Cheers. I once held your eyes
As the most beautiful spheres;
Only when you cried.
_____________________________
The death of a friend
Should cripple you with laughter;
Their sweetest echo. |
Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | Hi there, am new here myself so don't want to go too indepth on Haiku, but have recently been reviewing it myself. I see you paint your pictures with the 5-7-5 syllable style as I used to when first introduced to this form and as such your pictures stand well.
However if we look towards proper comparrison of the old writers, we find our writes should be more impacting by writing 2-3-2 beats (not syllables) to get the perfect Haiku - or as near to it as possible.
heres an example though not perfect by any means
school work
bell chimes -
ice cream
or
spring sun
hides behind clouds
rains....again
Japenese Onji as I understand it translates differently in English, we paint great picture in few words as possible with a revelation moment. Like I say I am new to the work of the old masters but it is a very revealing experience I hope you will want to delve into and share with others - I think you would enjoy the challenge!
Look forward to reading more of your writes....kindest thoughts and wishes your way. | Hello Brett
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | | Your haiku is excellent with its 5-7-5 syllable lines. I have also written it, but I now understand why the Japanese write counting syllables and not meter. I think our metrically written poems are far more beautiful and lyrical to to the ear because they flow, but then Stephen Fry tells us that the Chinese and Japanese only have monosyllabic words to work with. Aren't we lucky with English? Well done - very enjoyable. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | | Good poems, but in both cases it would have been nice if in some way you could have incorporated the last line in the sentence. I think that's just matter of taste, as you obviously wrote them the way you did on purpose. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 11th March 2008 | Not sure you should worry about 'idleness'.
I'd go for quality over quantity......(one good haiku can slay a thousand sloppy 'epics' - not suggesting you've written any of those, but others have...including me) and your haikus are perfect examples of this....very moving.
Cheers! |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 26th April 2008 | Oh, dear. I found both haikus (senryus?) gut-wrenching. There are times when I can't really voice much, because I feel strongly. This is one of those occasions. Very, very moving. Beautiful...
Mia |
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