This effort is currently on Newsbiscuit.
The Government today announced that as from January 2012 it will be illegal to speak with a regional accent or dialect. A spokesperson for the Home Office said that we were now in an age of High Definition digital television and fortnightly bin collections, and there was no longer a place for unintelligible English.
Starting next Spring, a number of new venues will be set up around the country where people can attend classes in order to relearn the lost art of the `Queen`s English`. These venues will be known as the Dr Doolittle Centres, and it is hoped the first one will be set up in Newcastle. Sir Trevor McDonald has intimated that he will be available to help out, newsreading duties permitting.
The spokesperson went on to say that his department fully appreciated that many people, particularly football pundits and Reality tv show presenters will struggle with the new directive, so with this in mind, all future televised matches will start just one minute before kick off, and during half time a film of a potters wheel will be shown. Even more controversial is the proposal to drop all the Reality TV shows. The spokesperson said these shows would be phased out gradually over a period of a couple of years to cause the least possible distress to viewers. Replying to a question about the Presenters, the spokesperson said most of them would be found jobs on Price-drop TV.
`We appreciate this complete ban is a controversial step but we must either move with the times or be forever subjected to repeat playing of records by the Wurzles.`
Scotland are refusing to participate in the ban, a member of the Scottish Parliament summing it up by saying, `I hape it will dee a fair strae daith.`…
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I knew
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 11th March 2008 |
| there was a reason they started the digital TV rollout in Cumbria. It's so that we can retain our regional accents, isn't it? No signal to Ye Olde Analogue Haunted Fishtank - no TV homogenisation. The tourists will flock here to experience Language in the Good Old Days. God, they're clever those Chinese. |
Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 11th March 2008 |
Liked this - especially the potter's wheel idea. As for banning dialect - the can shuv i' up ther arses - along wi' swearin' allegiance t'Queen.
Phil
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 12th March 2008 |
Have you been at the Turps again, Roger? You seem to be getting dangerously surreal. But what a great thought. I thought this was original and brilliantly executed - loved the idea of a Dr Doolittle Centre [voice coaching from Janet Street-Porter perhaps?] As silly as this is, I heard that some labour Lord wants teenagers to swear an oath of allegiance to the country. At least you were trying to be silly, this twit was serious!!
One of your best
Jane |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 12th March 2008 |
| Except that a potter's wheel during a Stoke City match could be considered regional bias. Something more neutral perhaps, like, -er... water... at least, until Tewkesbury FC turn professional. This was great fun, particularly the idea of starting in Newcastle, where they still come with subtitles, I understand. Was the Scottish MP from Mozambique? |
Oy Moite
Written by TomOBrien (64 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
Loved this. I have a good friend in the UK, Manchester area. Always teasing me about pronunciation and accent. I told him that it was his language and that we (US) have only borrowed it. He's asked for it back please.
Thanks.
tom |
Aye up mi` ducks..
Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
Sue- I`m all for anything that will boost tourism pet. Many thanks.
Phil- Steady my friend. I hear that in addition to banning dialects, beheading is back on the agenda for any form of sedition..
David - Take your point about the regional bias. No doubt the PC crowd would find something to complain about, whatever we used. The Scottish MP? Gorbals I think. Thanks..
Tom - Seriously, I think it is great that we all retain our own individual accents and dialects. It would be a sad day if we `writers` had to write everything in `plain` English. By the way, how much are you charging for its safe return?
Thanks all
Roger_ |
Dynamic duo.
Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
Sorry I missed you out Jane. Janet Street Porter sounds good. She could probably team up with Wayne Rooney. (Man Utd footballer dear) Many thanks.
Roger |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
Some British are absolutely un-understandable. I think the Scots aren't even amongst the worst. I do think though, that just as standard Dutch is shifting from the Haarlem accent to the Amsterdam accent, standard English is slowly shifting from Windsor English to London English.
Not sure what to think about regional accents. Some have their charm (Branbant, Flanders), others sound ugly (Limburg, Twente)... Where Britain is concerned, I think most are fun to hear. |
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 14th March 2008 |
Hi Woody. This was a good piece of not news.
Recently I think tv channels have tried to use presenters with different accents, but once apon a time you could only be a news reader if you spoke the queens english!
It is interesting to think about how there came to be so many different accents in one country.
Recently a friend of mine who is from France and speaks many languages came over to visit me. I introduced her to a friend with a really strong scottish accent and she was utterly baffled. She did not realise that this Scot was in fact speaking english and could not work out what she was saying, likewise my scottish friend couldnt understand my french friends version of english!
Very good Woody!
Brook 
P.S At secondary school I had an irish english teacher, you can guess how much fun we had with that! |
Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 15th March 2008 |
Thanks Fled and Brook. The subject of accents is, in some quarters, quite a prickly one, but long may they reign! I can see Gerard having something to say about the Irish English teacher! Thanks for the PM Brook; a reply has been sent.
Roger |
Ahh, this'll be the EE-AYE-ADIO Treaty
Written by John_O (138 comments posted) 17th March 2008 |
Hi W
obviously a bit of Government double speak; we have the Kyoto Treaty for the reduction of carbon emissions and now the Ee-aya-adio Treaty for the reduction of local language emissions. But as we all know the UK is well on course to increase its carbon emissions, thus, blowing Kyoto, and I should think the same will happen for the Ee-aye-adio.
I'll be home while eight.
John_O |
Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 21st April 2008 |
| When I order an audio book, I usually make sure it's read by a British narrator. Otherwise, the book is boring. I think my Canadian dialect is boring. You go, Brits! Love live diverse dialects. |
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