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Comedy
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Last Orders by Diddi
By Diddi
11 March 2008
 I'm often told that my short funnies are sight gags. That would be good if I knew what they meant. I have no idea how to make a script. So I'm sticking it in here. Throw it out if it's in the wrong place. If you think you can help, ring my bell.
Have a laze around while you read it. I wrote this from March's Lazy writers prompt.


Bert shuffled slowly over to the desk labeled "Last Orders."
He stood patiently watching her scribbling furiously with a white quill on parchment. "With you in a minute." she mumbled.

She looked briefly at Bert."Last Order, what is it?" She tapped her quill impatiently, checked the nib and sighed. The quill was dropped in the bin beside her and she reached behind into her large, white wings and plucked another.

She looked up again at Bert. "Well come on, I haven't all day!" she chewed on the end of the quill, refining its point, testing it gently on her voluminous sleeve.

"I'll 'ave a pint of Black and Tan, thank you." Bert said.

"Pardon?" The Angel said, nearly wrecking the quill."What do you mean 'I'll have a pint?'  This is  almost Heaven you know! Look over there!" She pointed to the shimmering, Pearly Gates behind her. "You are supposed to make last orders for your loved ones here, not disgusting bar orders!"

"H'aint got no loved ones, since my budgie died. I'll 'ave a pint. Black and Tan."

The Angel began to view Bert with distaste. She knew now that she was going to have a hell of a day. Just before the change of shift, too. She sighed.

"Are you sure you are in the right place?" she said, pointing to the down Elevator.

"Oh, yeh, I'm in the right place all right. Here." Bert handed the invoice he had been given when he passed over. "See, there's my name, age and everything. I been good, never had a drop to drink, no betting, no ladies of the night. Nothing. Lived for this day I did and now you're going to deny me my last right? My last order?"

The Angel perused his invoice. It was true, he had led an exemplary life, church every week, except when he had had his hernia repaired after he had lifted a marble statue in the church for the Vicar. Never married, no family. A blameless life.

"Why do you want a pint? Why a pint?" She asked him gently.

"Always wanted a pint, just one. The first time was when me Dad died. Then when Mum went. Then when little Georgie-porgie died. I would have had one too, but you bastards rung my bell when I was on the way to the Pub. So I reckon you owe me one."

The Angel looked up at him then spoke into her intercom, "Two pints of best Black and Tan up here, right now." She turned and smiled at Bert "I'll have one with you Bert, God knows I deserve one after the day I've had."

Reviews

Written by Hellcat (50 comments posted) 11th March 2008
loved this one too - I seems to enjoy reading after-life stories with a 'desk-jockey' vibe. 
 
Short but sweet I think best describes this one. I like how the angel joins in with a beer at the end, made me smile.

Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 11th March 2008
:grin Thanks Hellcat. My partner says these ones I write are really sight gags, so one occasionally escapes into the machine. Glad you liked it.

Written by victoriaplum (5 comments posted) 11th March 2008
This is lovely. I hope the angel at the gate really does give you a pint if you ask nicely enough! Sadly, my life is not that blameless!  
Look forward to reading more of your stuff. x

Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 12th March 2008
Almost a script. The dialogue that was there was good and natural. I reckon it could have been relatively easily made into a script. Liked this. The final gag was perhaps a little gentle - but that may be a persoanal taste issue. 
 
Phil
Hi Diddy
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 12th March 2008
I agree with what Phil says: this doesn't need a lot of work to present it as a Script rather than a short story. 
You've got all the dialogue you need. Setting it out as a script only requires it being 'chopped' so that the Speaker's Name is separated (always Left margin, often but not always in CAPS) 
 
Then you have to think about how LITTLE you can get away with for Stage Directions ... often you'll end up asking yourself "Do I really NEED that phrase, or is it understood from the action?" 
 
I find it useful to use italics for stage directions, so they stand out from the dialogue, but that's just a personal thing .... try reading a Shakespeare/Jonson/Pinter play and see what "Establishment" pro names do with Stage Directions ....... 
 
Enjoyed yoursd - hope these ramblings help! :grin

Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 13th March 2008
As with Phil and Bagheera, it should be relatively straightforward to reduce the dialogue to script interspersed with probably only a few stage directions to cover the basic highlights (e.g. Bert hands her a document, etc.). You could even have (an) internal monologue(s) for the Angel/Bert at certain points. 
 
Although "sight gag" suggests visually-based rather than the use of words, a reader of any TV/stage script still needs to picture the scenes in some way. Nice, gentle and enjoyable idea - the hernia and marble statue were an entertaining touch.

Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 13th March 2008
I'll have haunt the script pages and try and pick up some tips, then Ill come back and mug this a little. Thanks all of you for the input.

Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 16th March 2008
I enjoyed this Diddi. I don`t think you`ll have any trouble turning it into a script, which would work quite well on the stage as amongst other things it is a visual piece. I think I would try and make the ending a little stronger. As with a lot of short pieces the story is enhanced by a strong ending. Good luck with it. 
 
Roger

Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 16th March 2008
Thank you Roger, I think the ending would be very a visual one, e.g. " Beer appears,Angel rips off halo and tosses it. They clink mugs." Well, it's a thought anyway. this is new territory for me.
Good read
Written by sahewitt (17 comments posted) 17th March 2008
I read this elsewhere (Story Write) but it reads just as well here. Final gag is just right. "Pints all 'round, mate"

Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 17th March 2008
Yes I'm over there too. I'm taking a sabbatical for a few days. I'm hoping to turn it into a proper comedy script. I'm pleased that you like it, and read it again over here. :)

Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 17th March 2008
I wrote it here first because of the 'Lazy writers' prompt. Then I took it over there for the girls to have a laugh.

Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 1st April 2008
I agree with Coosh on this one - it's definately a visual piece so perhaps for TV? In which the Writersroom would be a good place to look at formatting. 
 
The piece is very and I enjoyed it and unlike Phil didn't find the gag too gentle - just nice! 
 
A good piec which could easily be made into a script. 
 
TW

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