My dealings w/ stroke after-effects
Crying jags have plagued me ever since I had a stroke. These circumstances usually arise whenever I experience strong emotion of any kind. In my prior life (the one before the stroke), I was always one to wear my emotions just under my skin, “on my sleeve” as it were. This was never something that concerned me, as I viewed it as a measure of sensitivity rather than a weakness to forgo.
As mentioned, strong emotions usually precipitate these incidents. I may be watching a film, television program or listening to music, my eyes will well and sobs may convulse my frame, leaving me shaken until I can manage to control my feelings. These occasions test my ability to restrain my sentimentality. Usually some strong memory accompanies these moments.
The thought of making music, which I dearly loved but am no longer capable of, will set me off. Alternatively, it may be a memory of passion lost, which again I am no longer able to muster, that triggers the deluge. Troubles deep within my psyche, no doubt, are at the root of these reactions, although I am currently at a loss to identify them.
Watching a teleplay, whether film or televised, which features a scene of intimacy, moves me more than deeply. The very knowledge of my inability to mount the necessary ardor leaves me with a feeling of profound inadequacy. My speech impairment (a result of the stroke) leaves me with less than ideal capabilities to converse romantically.
Music, for the longest time, defined me. It was who I was. Throughout my twenties, I played professionally and that experience cemented in my mind my definition of self as inextricably entwined with music making. There are times now, lying in bed late at night, I’ll hear in my mind some song that I identified with, which I am no longer able to play. It is then that my eyes will well with tears at the loss of an old friend and fat drops will fall upon my pillow.
Someday, I may regain my ability to play my guitar and sing with the full voice I remember so well. For now, however, I must reconcile my memories with my current reality. The knowledge that I am not alone in my predicament is of some small consolation. Perhaps, when I muster the courage to connect with other stroke survivors, I will be able to confront the demons that dog me. Until such time, I will have to learn to live with them.
© Stephen Alexander 2008
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |
I think you put your traumatic predicament across very dispassionately which must have taken some fortitude. Of course I cannot know how it must feel but I do think I have some idea after reading this. Your calm measured account of your feelings was all the more moving and I hope you do regain your abilities again. In the mean time keep writing
Also I note you have multiple posted. You often get a better response ,here, if you post one at a time
cheers |
Appreciation
Written by sahewitt (17 comments posted) 14th March 2008 |
| Thanks much for your kind words. I am new to this site and I have an inordinate amount of work that I posted early on. Thanks for the tip. |
Thank you for sharing this
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 14th March 2008 |
I've read this 3 times. I did not comment before because I did not know what I could say in the face of your suffering. I've often thought about people who unexpectedly had to face something like this-how they deal with it. I think I now have a better understanding of what is involved. I hope you will keep sharing your thoughts through your writing. I believe it will help other people, who are suffering in their own way, myself included.
Mia |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 14th March 2008 |
As a piece of writing, nicely done. A clear, well structured easy read. That's not what this is about though. A brave piece, that without being sentimental or mawkish, had me feeling for you.
Good luck
Phil |
Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 17th March 2008 |
This is beautifully written. I feel for your frustration and losses that have occurred as a result of your stroke, most of all I admire your courage. It takes great tenacity and determination to write about one the most cruel things that can happen to a person. I used to be a nurse and I have had a few row with other nurses about stroke victims. I maintained that there were real people inside the immobile bodies.
It is truly wonderful to read and hear you. I feel once you have driven the hounds of hell back, that the music that you still feel and hear inside, will find expression your writing.
Please excuse my bad grammar, I too, have a 'well-worn sleeve.'
Lis |
Written by jjimbopryde (17 comments posted) 25th April 2008 |
I read your piece on hiking before this but thought i'd see what else you'd written befoer i gave my view.
I really am glad i did because this truely moving and i might, to my own great loss, not have seen it otherwise.
good luck in all you do and keep writing |
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