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Case Of The Missing Penguin |
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By mosw30987
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13 March 2008 |
This is the first time I post a piece of writing since I am only 9 years old. Hope you like it !!!!!!!!
There was once two penguins called Hacto 202 and Freezingfeet5. One day Hacto 202 invited freezingfeet5 to go surfing and he accepted. So off they went, they got their best surfboards and started surfing. They entered a competition. They had to do the most backflips in one hour. But soon Hacto 202 got overexcited and got lost. Once he realised he was very cautious. He was also on the lookout for seals since they loved eating penguins. Suddenley, crack! Hacto 202 hit an iceberg. Then without warning he got hit by an enormous iceberg and got frozen, and so the search was on!!!!
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Well done
Written by nsperfect71 (44 comments posted) 13th March 2008 |  Hiya,
Hats off mate for being interested in writing at an age where many others would be wasting valuable hours playing games on the computer.
I like your story. My nephew is a bit older than you and I remember him being very much into penguins not so long ago. So I guess you know what your 'audience' wants!
I think it can be improved if you introduce paragraphs. Also, I think mentioning an 'icerberg' again in your last sentence didn't make a lot of sense. Perhaps you meant that something different happened to Hacto? |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 13th March 2008 | | Well done and welcome to GW. It is lovely to have a child of nine of our GW website. I hope you will review some of our work too as we need children's opinions. You really did a great first try and if you want to improve your writing this may help: Don't use the word "got". We were always taught that it was a quite unnecessary word. See how many interesting words you can use instead, eg: They fetched their best surfboards. . . . became over excited. not "got lost" but "was lost" or became lost. . . . an iceberg hit him. I don't quite understand how he became frozen? Penguins live on the ice. Well, I hope I've helped you with my little points. I'll look out for some more of your stories. |
Written by mosw30987 (17 comments posted) 13th March 2008 | Thanks everybody
i really do appreciate it | Nice one
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 17th March 2008 | I am super impressed. Fantastic imagination and keep up with the writing and you will go far.
my daughters 8 but not yet interested in writing, mindyou my poems have probably put her off.
Paula x |
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