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Poetry


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Typical Nonsense Is Making More Sense

By mr_soul

14 March 2008

Hmmm........

You speak to me
I shout to him
She looks at me
And we all sit down for dinner
Looking for a fork day
Only on a Friday
Will I be the winner
If I can dance and sing like you?
Well you should be pleased
And feel at ease ‘cos everybody knows
Those shoes were so expensive
There’ll be an investigation
Involving six policemen
Didn’t you hear a man was shot dead last night?
Looking for a train he did nothing to refrain
From looking like he wanted to kill
Eighty-metre earthquake, coffee-shop milkshake
Sitting on a stick while listening to a wireless phone
Under a bridge with a Siamese fridge
We laughed away our dreams
And drank in our lives new woes
A back to front cap in the back of a cab
With his sisters new record, God how I feel like him
Spilling away, it’s nice to play
But it’s funny how the games change when we all get older.
Thank you for the memories, thank you for the crapness
Thank you for making my life a living hell!
Well you should have seen him
Looking the way he did at me
And now she’s gone but I hope he’ll be back soon

Reviews

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 14th March 2008

Yes - hmmmm - I have to agree with you. Poetry? hmmm also

Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 14th March 2008

I think you could make either a monologue or a poem from it to be honest. I can see what you're trying to do but I'm not sure you got there. Alan Bennett did it with panache (Talking Heads) by focusing very tightly on one character's P.O.V. I wasn't sure what yours was, here.

There was an underlying rhythm that began to work then faded and came back - It would be worth some work, because there are lots of usable ideas floating about. Possibly too many for one poem.

ok
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 14th March 2008

I think you have a good idea going here, liked it, maybe needs more work on it though.
Bernie

Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 14th March 2008

Thanks for the comments, I'll bear them in mind. It probably does need some work yeah. Its definately unusual, I must admit I wasnt sure what reaction I'd get to this. But I quite like it, I'll try and work on it. Thanks again

Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 15th March 2008

"...is making more sense." Not to me it isn't. I get a brief flavour of that Bob Dylan song... you know, the one where he's holding up the flashcards... around the line about the milkshake. But Dylan was famously doing that thing where you cut up words on pieces of paper and mix them up randomly.

There are a few images in here that could be worked up into something worthwhile.

Subterranean Homesick Blues!
Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 16th March 2008

Thank you Veronica! For simply getting a slight whiff of Bob Dylan out of this poem has made my day! He is probably one of the biggest legends ever to have lived, if not the biggest.
Thanks. His work is probably the standard everyone, not just myself, on this website should aspire to. It's unlikely we'll get there, but we must try.

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