A look at the after-effects of stroke by one who has been there
On March 26 2006, I suffered a semi-serious cerebral-vascular event, which left me with a speech impairment that appears to be permanent. At this time, I am barely able to order lunch successfully, much less conduct work in my former occupation, that of a reinsurance underwriter.
Over time, unable to work, I lost all my savings and my living situation (my home, which was a rental). This left me homeless on the streets of San Francisco, not the ideal urban area to be without means. Eventually, forced to leave California, I moved in with my sister in Virginia, where I currently reside.
Initially, my doctor told me that my disability would lessen over time. However, after 20 odd months, there has been some improvement; I still experience left side weakness, which exhibits mostly as a lack of stability, which I counter with a cane when I walk any distance, in addition to my speech difficulties. The public interprets my speech impairment in a variety of ways. Most are inclined to think I am mentally challenged, which is preferable to those who assume I am under the influence of drink or drugs.
Mostly, I just muck it out, choosing to ignore the cretins, which most advice givers suggest. That is all well and good but does not change the basic dynamic of social interaction. Ignoring ignorant people may do wonders for my personal psyche but does little to offset (or solve for that matter) the basic issue of social interaction, which forms the basis of my communication problems. Maybe a bit of explanation is in order here.
A typical conversation for me involves thought formation (nothing new there) and then translation of said thoughts into a series of words that does not require too much difficulty getting out of my mouth. This in turn usually requires a bit of dumbing-down of the original thought (something I am loathe to do – but one does what one has to in these things). My sister is forever reminding me to slow down and articulate, which usually has the unintended effect of reinforcing the imbecilic impression with which I leave my listeners.
Of late, I have taken refuge in the art of writing, returning to a beloved pastime. Before my episode, I was a prolific writer racking up countless hours recounting tales from my busy youth. I traveled the country quite a bit as well as putting in a stint in the Merchant Marines, which travels provided me with detritus material for the gristmill of my personal tales.
Pre-stroke, I was also a credible amateur musician, playing guitar as well as singing. Moreover, I play bass and noodle a little on the keyboard. I cannot play the guitar at present although I hope to regain at least a limited proficiency to provide rudimentary accompaniment to what is left of my singing prowess (which is not much but also open to improvement.)
My left side difficulties still prevail as a hindrance (I type single handedly but at least the finished product is somewhat coherent and does not present the problems that vocal articulation pose). In large part, this allows me to ramble unfettered by my physical limitations (aside from the aforementioned typing woes). At least I have a sense of communication, which provides some gratification, unlike the dismay I endure when I hazard the ambit of articulate exchange.
© Stephen Alexander 2008
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Communication
Written by Abigail (24 comments posted) 16th March 2008 |
This was a very touching story. I can't believe how difficult this situation must be for you. No one wants to go through life with everyone thinking of them as retarded.
I have worked as cashier in the past, and I had a lot of instances were communication was difficult. I had customers who spoke only broken English. Some of them speak Spanish, some Wolof (my area is popular with immigrants from Africa). I also had a few regular customers who could not speak at all, they were deaf. I cannot understand sign language.
Its interesting, they way people go about making themselves understood. I speak a few words of Spanish, and most Spanish speakers know at least some English, so we made it work. My bilingual African friends have taught me a few words in Wolof, though luckily nearly all of them speak English fairly well. In the case of the deaf customers, I couldn't understand anything they were signing, so they pointed and waved they're arms until I understood what they wanted.
I can't imagine going though life with difficulty communicating. It must be especially hard, since often it goes along with some sort of stereotype. For immigrants, many people hear them talk and assume they are uneducated, and in the country illegally. For those with a speech impediment, plenty just assume they are retarded.
I have to admit, I've done the same thing. When you see hundreds of customers a day, they start to blend together, and it's easy to start to sort everyone into categories. It takes an effort to remember that you can't know everything about a person after having a thirty second conversation with them.
You prove it in this article, because although you sound articulate and intelligent in your writing, you must appear entirely different in person, and if I saw you I would most likely never be able to recognize you from what you wrote. The next time I am stuck behind someone who is walking slowly because they use a cane, I'll try to remember this before I start muttering under my breath about annoying, senile old people. (Sorry, I don't mean to say you're old, but since you had a stroke I assume you are an older man. At any rate I'm twenty, so you're most likely older than me.)
I am so glad you have found an outlet online. The great thing about the internet is that no one can see you to make premature judgements, they can only base their opinion on yours words. And the great thing about writing in general is that it gives you a chance to get all of your thougths out and sift through them, before you let someone else see. I am certain that in my case, I sound much more intelligent when I write than when I speak. In fact, I probably seem much more intelligent when I write than I actually am.
I wish the best of luck to you in your recovery.
Abigail |
Written by Diddi (80 comments posted) 17th March 2008 |
Hi, Stephen, It's me again. This is a tremendous write. Stating how it is with will only others see the real person inside. As I said before, it's about the cruelest thing that can happen. Do keep going, write more about how your coping and about the tiny improvements that come along.
Other people's body language must be so frustrating to you. You are a voice for the voiceless.
Don't stop now! SW special  *hug*
Lis |
Written by nsperfect71 (44 comments posted) 17th March 2008 |
Hi there,
I found the story very moving and the writing very beautiful. You are clearly a very talented man.
I wish you the best of luck. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 17th March 2008 |
You certainly have the ability to express yourself wonderfully well and there is a strong narrative to this. I feel I understand this disabililty much more clearly now. You have a way of putting things across in a very accessible way.
It stuck me that you might be good at scripted work and it might some sort of compensation for your lack of verbal skills at the moment. By putting words into characters mouths it might be good therapy [and it is great fun. I love doing it ] and it might even prove remunerative if you have the knack. Just a thought, I hope it hasn't offended.
Best wishes |
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