Hi. My name is Roger McGough and I'm welcoming you to ' Poetry Please '. Thank you for joining us and on the show today we have a wonderful medley of poetic verse to tickle the tackle of evey poetic testicle and twat; so to speak. But first off I must welcome a request from, of all people, Dame Cecile Booker-Stamps Chairwoman of the Post Office Usesrs Consultative Council. She has particularly asked to hear Tennyson's ' Un Fart Delicieux '; and would like to dedicate this piece to all her illegitimate children who are at present suing her for a slice of her considerable estate. Sadly, you brain dead, brickhead tosser, we won't be broadcasting your request as you are too plug ugly; and your shit stinks. So piss off. 

Instead I extend a warm  to welcome Mr Decius Dosser from Southend, a regular listener to the programme who would like to hear Gerard Connolly's ' John Cooper Clarke is Saying Hello' from his collection ' Chaucer to Cowper to Cooper Clarke ': A Study in Vile, Disgusting and Obscene Pornography Unfit for Seeing the Light of Day '. Produced originally in the mode of Spastic Elastic scan with reference to the Plastic Bombastic rhyme with its inferences deep in late fourth century goosehead gobbledygook and relating to the Drastic Fantastic held together with Mastick metre, this important form has long been neglected in English literature. [Can't think why!!? ]. This verse was at first attributed to Langland. But is now universally recognised by scholars as the work of 'Paddy of Walden' [ Patricus Waldensis ] and is included in his Second Quattro: ' Get Me a Large Scotch '.

It is read for us today by the actor, Brian Blessed.


Obscenity's cool. Fornication to go?
Saddle up sin for the rake's rodeo.
Hotfoot from Hades,  the damned all in tow,
John Cooper Clarke is back saying ' Hello !

Bad news for Jesus. His boys will get tubed. 
That late substitution means pious get screwed.
The Devil's Playmaker is bossing the show
Now John Cooper Clarke is back saying ' HELLO!!'.

Heaven rejoices when sinners repent.
But here's one big bstard who'll never relent.
That smile on God's face has vanished, you know;
'Cause John Cooper Clarke is back saying ' He  He...He...Hello! '.

THE POPE IS A PAEDO! THE QUEEN IS A TWAT!
FUCK HIM AND FUCK HER! AND FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT!
Wow! Some fired up Indian!....... Jeronimoooooo!
No... Just John Cooper Clarke and he's saying ' He..llo!!! '.

Enjoying a bite on a bench in the park;
WHEN OUT FROM THE BUSHES BURSTS JOHN COOPER CLARKE!!
He rapes me and robs me. I'm left to die slow.
Just John Cooper Clarke's way of saying 'Hel lo! OOOOH! '.

A Blue Peter Badge for doing Hard Drugs,
He's done more Class A's than ten Ronnie Woods!!
Winehouse and Docherty don't make it, although...,
JNow John Cooper Clarke pops out saying  ' Hellllloooooo!!!!!! '.

He's murdered his Mother! He's buggered his Pa!
Ran over his brother, drunk, stealing his car.
He's kidnapped his sister and won't let her go.
That's John Cooper Clarke's way of saying,.... ' Hey Ho! [ And Hello, too! ] '.

Queer bashing one day in the City of Spades,
He pulls some poor poof and infects him with Aids.
A whole generation wiped out with one blow.
One hell of a wonderful, blistful..... 'HeeeeeLLO! '

Now cruising at night in the land of Les Girls; 
High heels and tight skirts, suspenders and curls.
The smell, of cheap perfume ignites libido;
And the knife sinks soooooo deep....WHILE SAYING .....' Hello! '.

So here's to a murderer, junkie and thief.
Here's to the ballad of old 'Beasley Street'.
People crave people. Then say.. Cheerio!?.....
You get John Cooper Clarke. Back. Saying ...'Hello! '....hello....hello.... hello...hello...

Hello. Is anybody there?.....Hello!?...Hello!?...You got a shillin' f' th' phone? ....I've got cut oorf......Hello....!?

This is the BBC  Technical Help Unit Here.. What frequency are you on?.... Hello... HELLO....?