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By gutterkitty
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18 March 2008 |
Experimenting again...Let me know if I should stop?
afraid of heights,
set atop my pedestal like a prize.
Dizzily I sucked up courage
through miniscule lungs,
hugged air with flimsy wings
and unfolded from the lip.
Your hand swept in,
cupped me safely into place.
Against cold marble
my mind filled with dreams
like a balloon. I wondered if
without your hand (like god
in the way it cut the air,
moulded it like ethereal dough)
I’d crumple into some absurd
mascarad caterpillar,
with thin blue veins.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 17th March 2008 | An experiment, well fair enough.
I thought some bits worked and others didn't. I liked the beginning, despite the typo but I thought there were too many cliches in the second part "cold marble", balloon filled with dreams" If you could find original, quirky ways to express the same thing it would liven the poem. I also didn't like the use of bracketing. It's either there or it isn't . I did like "ethereal dough". Just a few personal reactions
cheers | mixing butterflies and balloons
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 17th March 2008 | ... together again. A thick mix but not viscous.
I generally agree with BBS -- and would add that I wonder a bit about the use of lip and thin blue veins
Always challenging !
patterjack |
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 18th March 2008 | I was very afraid that you would end up with a pin stuck through you! The last two lines didn't make sense to me - but what do I know?
Did you know that butterflies are the sexiest species on the planet, they'll have sex with any other, their grandmothers and even dead butterflies! I read that somewhere.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 18th March 2008 | Audrie- wow, ew. I think you may have found a cure for my butterfly fixation.
PJ- where else did I mention balloons and butterflies?! I should stop mixing metaphors, maybe...
BBS- fair enough pointing out cold marble but I don't see how the balloon idea's clichéd. Still different things are considered samey by different people. Also I didn't spot a typo...? | long ago
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 18th March 2008 | you mentioned balloons I am fairly sure -- too far back to chase .
pedestAL and I am not too sure about mascara d
fair enough effort but not your best
patterjack |
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 18th March 2008 | | Nice poem. Butterflies are inspiring hm? |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 18th March 2008 | Eek, thanks PJ...I do hate typos.
Certainly not my best. I like the actual writing but the idea itself seems flimsy (oh the irony).
Thanks fledermaus.
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Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | Like the way your first stanza works, and although there are bits of stanza two I'd be happy to place elsewhere or amongst other words to fit, I don't personally think the two fit quite hand in hand - no offence intended - some things work - some don't but each serves as a learning curve for both yourself and others who read...so keep penning poet!  |
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