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Poetry
Daydream
By Justice_Ri_Der
18 March 2008
A funny Religious Education lesson and a build up of material inspired this one. I try to make this as involved as possible, but I'm not sure where it's going myself. Guess that's the way daydreams work.

Day dream, day scene
A bird on a perch could never be so serene.

I can see the mountains from here.
I can see a forest and a prancing deer.

Wasn't there a film about an animal like that?
Demon-slaying, steal your soul cat.

This reminds me of the time I stayed up for a day.
Darn monkey knocked me down and took my money away!!

Spiky hair. Had a bad night son?
I'm going to attack, you better run!!

God of pain! God of thunder!
I'm missed the ship, now what a blunder...

Brave warrior, immortalized on this shelf.
Foul cretin! Defend thyself!!!

Legends untold. Legends eternal.
I must record my findings in this journal...

Human bones, so small and brittle.
That looked like it hurt. Even just a little.

A car so shiny, too bad it is destroyed.
A hole so dark, it is the void.

I'm hearing voices now, they sound so loud.
Oh please, I want to stare at this cloud.

My time is running out, and so is my HP.
It's been a while since I drank some tea.

Oh wait, I was in the middle of something.
I can see the rocks, what do they bring?

I am urged along, I don't have a choice.
They wind me, I can't use my voice.

I begin to fall, at a break-neck speed.
An execution, this is all I need.

You may think I will die, I'm just hitting the sack.
Once this ordeal is over, kids I'll be back!!




Reviews

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 18th March 2008
Sorry but this seems nonsensical to me...too much focus on rhyme rather than content? Try letting go of the rhyme, you can write perfectly good poetry without it and it can be quite restrictive. 
Also, I don't think double exclamation marks are necessary, one will usually suffice.

Written by Justice_Ri_Der (5 comments posted) 18th March 2008
Once again, someone fails to see where I am going. I'm not trying to focus on either content or even rhyme. It's my style. I can and have written poems without rhyme. I intentionally used rhyme because IT WOULD be nonsensical in the end. I don't see the reason to penalize me just because you thought it made no sense. This is Creative writing man. Please.
But you said
Written by brickle (7 comments posted) 19th March 2008
I try to make this as involved as possible, but I'm not sure where it's going myself.  
If you do not know where it's going myself how do you expects someone like me to know ? I am not psychic .null
Receiving Reviews
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 19th March 2008
I believe all reviews are a compliment. Someone BOTHERED to read our stuff and took the trouble to comment on it. It is a great compliment if the reviewer makes detailed comments. It takes time and energy to do that. If noone reads or comments on our material, even then, that is a comment in itself - it probably means we must learn the craft more. 
 
When we put out our material out in a public forum, we are asking for people's honest comments. They all count, from no comments to painful ones. It probably reflects how our material will be received by others outside of GW. So it's a good testing ground. 
 
Having said that, I think you are trying to say something, but I don't know what it is. I feel lost. That's the honest comment I can offer you. But my comments on poetry doesn't carry the weight of someone who knows the craft. I can only offer a layman's reaction. 
 
Mia

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 19th March 2008
All I can say is, good luck getting further reviews with an attitude like that. There was no penilising in my comment at all: it's called advice, and if you want to get anywhere at all with your writing, you might want to learn to take it. Thinking a poem makes no sense is a perfectly good reason to question its quality- I know of no-one who enjoys reading work which completely baffles them. There are much harsher reviewers on here than myself so I'll be interested to see what happens when you bump into one of them. 
 

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