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Poetry
First time writing "proper" poetry........please comment
By cacman
19 March 2008
Below are a few of Poems I've written, as you will see they follow a similar pattern in the way there written, however this is my first attempt at writing such things and these both actually came straight from my head when I was feeling low one day.

The second of the two is actually written about a close friend of mine,

hope you like and any comments both negative (but constructive) and positive are welcome

Thanks

Jack

The melancholy death of the lift boy:

There one was a boy who had finished his shift
He pressed the button to take the lift,
With a whine and a groan the lift did stop.
Quickly on the lift boy did hop

Pressed the button for the ground
Lift juddered and moved with a crunch and a sound
The low lift music softly hummed
While lift boy, a magazine he thumbed

Suddenly a dreadful noise
What was that thought the boy
The lights went a flicker,
Towards the ground it hurried quicker

All alone lift boy screamed
Whilst of family and friends he dreamed
With all his will he got on his knees
"oh lord please save me"

But this journey would be his last,
For the ground he had hit too fast
His short life had been one hell of a joy
But this would be The melancholy death of the lift boy



The Lovable Life of the Cat keeper‏:

There was an old lady who loved her cats
She couldn't say why but that was that
She kept them in her small house
Where there was never ever a mouse

Her small cottage garden there private domain
Chasing the butterfly's time and again
Snoring and snoozing under the oak
Or running from the rain avoiding a soak

Dinner was a bit of a bit of a chore,
8 Moggy dinners in bowls on the floor
licking a lapping they'd eat in a herd
After they'd sleep, whilst gently they purred,

At night when she was never alone in the house
No of course there was no mouse,
But they all came to sleep with her where she led
8 little fluff balls at the foot of the bed

Love is:

Love see us through dark times
it shows us we are not alone
it tells us when things end,
and when new lives start

Love shows us we are weak,
but together we can be so strong
it a special moment between two hearts
that will never bee seen again

Love shows us true loneliness
It shows us we are fallible
it proves a point,
when theirs no point to prove

Love shows us our dreams are real
it tells when and what to feel
it guides us on life's path
but can sometimes lead us away

Love can hide for many years
and show its heart when least expected
with a best friend, an old friend or a new one
but always its unexpected,

Love when found is a light, a dream, and hope
can know no bounds, can see no fear,
keeps you warm at night, holds your hand in the rain
 Love simply is, and lets us be who we are

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1715 comments posted) 19th March 2008
Your inexperience is showing. Fair enough, you have to start somewhere. 
 
It's best to post poems separately, rather than in groups, as it makes it easier to review. 
 
I didn't buy into the lift story at all. Adding words like "did" to pad out the metre are a real turn-off. The details in this one I felt were added just to allow you to rhyme words like Screamed and dreamed. Did you mean it to be funny? It nearly was. 
 
It's good that you have chosen in the second poem to write about someone you know. Watch out for spellings and typos (eg, butterfly's = butterflies; repeated words in stanza 3, "Dinner was a bit of a bit of a chore"). Proof reading is probably more important in poetry than in prose; you've got so little room for error. 
 
I think you got closest to poetry in the last line of the third poem, "love lets us be who we are".  
 
The closer you get to a subject, the better the poetry you write about it, because you can use details that are real and make sense to the reader. 
 
Elsewhere, your attempts at a structured form have rather got in the way of your meaning. They have tempted you to use cliches, which are death to poetry (and that's a cliche in itself of course :) )

Written by Veronica_Milvus (749 comments posted) 19th March 2008
Welcome and thank you for posting. 
 
I agree with fellpony that it is best to avoid using words like "did" to pad out the line to fit your metre, and you have also shunted the natural worder order around at times e.g. "quickly on the lift boy did hop" which sounds rather forced. 
 
The second one seems to me to have a lot going for it, a very nice portrait. The lines 
 
8 Moggy dinners in bowls on the floor 
licking a lapping they'd eat in a herd 
After they'd sleep, whilst gently they purred, 
 
were successful, I think, and I liked the balls of fluff at the foot of the bed line, too. It all sounded like a cosy, nursery rhyme picture. 
 
I'm not such a fan of abstract ideas so the third poem is harder for me to comment on. 
 
Throughout, be clear about "there" and "their" - you mixed them up a couple of times. 
 
Hope you will send us some more work soon. 
 


Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 19th March 2008
Hi Jack. Welcome to GW. 
 
Much with the above. The only advice I can offer is: if you want to write regular, rhyming rhythmic verse like your first, try to make sure it reads as naturally as possible. Twisting syntax around to suit your pattern just doesn't work. Rather than making the verse smoother, it jars. 
 
Keep posting. 
 
Phil

Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 21st March 2008
You might try to write with beat/syllable counts and forget rhyme, or just write open style for a while, personally i have not found what style i am suited to in particular but open verse is usually pretty safe? Concentrate on one poem at a time and don't worry going back in to change them its your write and you might want to change even 2 years from now. Can offer little in my limited expertise but hope there is some word here to just help you along some.....Oh and welcome!

Written by cacman (1 comments posted) 21st March 2008
cheers guys you input is great i'm looking at some more things so will post them shortly. 
 
like i say all you comments have been much appriciated thanks

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