Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Memories for the Worker Bee
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1584 guests online and 3 members online
Poetry
Memories for the Worker Bee
By margarita
20 March 2008
And I go back to those moments
When all movement fades
When my eyes can't move from your intent gaze.
And everything is said with a soft reverence.

And all the joys of coming out of the bleak
The little slips between the sheets
The cracks in the citric sky
Blaze in with a rush of drunken dawn.

I can drone in and out
With all the other worker bees
And bumble around the swift weekends
You make the grind an easy tease.


I rush to please and scoop these evenings
Always looking for a longer morning
Where I can relive all these flighty snaps
And linger longer all senses burning.

Reviews

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 20th March 2008
There's something very appealing about this. I think it's the use of interesting and personal descriptions ("citric sky", "scoop these evenings") which seem to emulate the personal time spent with your partner. I think you created that sense of there only being two people in the world very well.  
I trip up on the third stanza, though- it seems out of place. I would either get rid of it altogether or rework it into another part of the poem, because it breaks up the stanzas (1,2,4) concerning the time with the partner and thus breaks up the intimate feel. Also not sure about the term "flighty snaps".

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item