|
By beatricelouise
|
|
21 March 2008 |
A practice run!
All reviews and critiques are most welcome.
The little girl in me
Is one I love you see
She shares insults and pain
Corrupted lies insane
In patience not a word
She weeps along unheard
The little girl in me
Sees all that I could be
Endures suffocation
Sanctions relocation
And suicidal thoughts
Advises no more plots
The little girl in me
I trust her easily
She never leaves my side
To run away and hide
A thought away she dwells
I close my eyes, ‘All's well'
|
Written by Josie (2845 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | | Am I right in thinking that you'd rather crawl into the skin of a small child than be an adult? Many people would relate to God being the one who stands by, sharing your pain, unhappines, and understanding (and also happiness) - and yet you choose a small child. Why A small point: I think your poem would look much better in single line spacing. | personal reaction
Written by fellpony (1715 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | This is too abstract to work really well for me, BL. You give lots of concepts but no details (eg, insults, pain, lies, patience). I empathise much more easily with actual situations and actions.
I understand that if things you're describing are painful, it may be too difficult to give them in detail just yet, but presenting them in this somewhat distant manner does not engage my interest and doesn't feel direct enough to have poetic impact. |
Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | So this little girl every now and then tells you to be calm and have a good look at things before you rush into premature decisions? Seems like a worthy companion.
Good poem. |
Written by anaisanais (62 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | | I'm second guessing this little girl wants to shout of the anguish on top of her voice to protect others of same situation and make your point. Let her run free with clarity of picture - a lesson i see in others work the more i read but am still learning myself i know! Give descriptions of how she is pained how she feels is only part of it we want comparrisons if imagery to help us know what it feels like....hope you will understand before re-writing, there could be so much more drawn from your write....kindest intentions, good luck! |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 21st March 2008 | Thank you all for your reviews and words of advice.
Josie, God is my fortress in times of trouble. In this poem, I write of the little girl in me as though she is my friend. I connect with her and because of life's knocks, she can sympathize. Could you tell me why it would be better in single line spacing?
fellpony, I will try to work on the poetic impact you're looking for. I guess I busied myself in stresses and flow. I will give it another go.
Fledermaus, you are so encouraging. I love your reviews. We all need the encouragment even though we are not great at this craft of poetry.
anaisanais, I will work on more imagery. Thanks for the great review.
Back to work on this one.
 | Hi Beatrice
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 1st May 2008 | There is a lot of emotion tucked into these few words. I agree with the others that it might be better, as a poem, for the situations to be made clearer. However, you, presumably are writing for yourself, about yourself, and if you are comfortable with how it reads, I think that is fine.
I think one test is whether you feel better for having written it. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
