READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1935 guests online and 9 members online
Poetry
Control
Written by fellpony
21 March 2008
A crude, but first-hand, account of an abusive relationship. My daughter left this man just over two years ago.

He doesn’t meet my eye.
She says, “He’s shy.”
He stays aloof from talk;
“He needs to work.”

Her face is sore;
“I walked into the door.”
She wears long sleeves.
She never did before.

*

I visit them at work.
He’s dull and curt.
“Is that your bloody mother?”
“It’s OK, Mum; don’t bother.”

“Where did you go today?
Did you shop alone?
Who’ve you been talking to?
Who’s on the phone?”


*

She says, “I’m pregnant, Mum.”
“You’d best come home.”
She says she can’t;
“He hates to sleep alone.”

She’s heavy, milky-mild.
“He wants this child.
Though early on he said
he wished it dead.”

*

In hospital she fears
his angry arm;
under her pillow hides
the panic alarm.

He punches the wall.
“Scared, that’s all.
Illness makes him upset;
he sees a threat.”

*

Penned with his parents
in their crowded home,
she with the infant
loves it alone.

Reviews

Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 21st March 2008
I feel so sad and helpless for these people. I'm almost crying. 
 
Mia

Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 21st March 2008
Very sad poem, but beautiffully written. It certainly fulfilled its purpose. As mia said, you almost feel like crying with this one. Very thought provoking
simple and eloquent
Written by fortunato364 (21 comments posted) 21st March 2008
This is a subject that clearly generates strong emotions and it would be easy to go overboard. 
 
You have not done that, and I think the understatement works very well. 
 
The rhyme scheme helps reinforce the subject, without being too obtrusive. 
 
Very effective.

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 21st March 2008
Liked the understatement as well. Rather than going into melodramatic descriptions of pain you instead look at the more subtle outward signs of it: the long sleeves, the excuses. I do feel like the rhyme might be restricting you though, as the line "under her pillow/hides attack alarm" shows. It also strikes me as strange that you begin with a narrator but lose them after the second section- I think you could probably get rid of them altogether?
Well Done!
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 21st March 2008
You kept my interest throughout. This is what I need to learn to do. You make it look so easy. :grin  
 
Control is the name of the game. The long sleeves. Very good imagery and yet so subtle. I agree with gutterkitty about the line 'under her pillow/hides attack alarm. Sounds like a bomb under her pillow.  
 
Also, 'don't bother' seems to be just positioned for rhyiming's sake.  
 
You are describing some of my life here. I am trembling/ 
 

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd March 2008
The simple, almost journalistic style worked very well. 
 
To the heart of it and effective for it.  
 
Sincerely hope things stay 'mended' - if that i the right word. 
 
Phil

Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 22nd March 2008
Thanks Phil. 
 
She's now found another "shy" one - but he is totally lovely and the child adores him. What a contrast. There is life after ... well, you supply the cliche.

Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 22nd March 2008
A very good write, the type I like to read. 
Berniw

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item