Trying a fairly tricky "closed" form of verse - the villanelle. The best example ever is Dylan Thomas' "Do not go gentle into that good night". I make no particular claims for this one. It is based on the fact that mythology is stuffed full of gods who rise from the dead. And if you read Sir James Frazer's "The Golden Bough" you will understand why.
EASTER VILLANELLE
Our god was murdered, but he rose again
We remember him upon this Easter day
Among the greening vines and springing grain.
The king is dead! Long may the new king reign
The old year to the youthful year gives way
Our god was murdered, but he rose again.
Immortal god, who like a man was slain
To bring new life in all its spring array
Among the greening vines and springing grain.
The ancient stories of our tribe explain
A jealous friend can slaughter and betray
Our god was murdered, but he rose again.
Now break the bread, and now, the wine-cup drain
His blood and body nourish us each day
Among the greening vines and springing grain.
Cornunnus, Tammuz, Balder - they are all his name
Osiris, Jesus, Mithras - all believers say:
"Our god was murdered, but he rose again
Among the greening vines and springing grain."
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clever
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 21st March 2008 |
cool dispassionate commentary. You have used a form that puts an argument concisely , and have produced a skilful work
I note your dispensing with the capital G -- bringing all the old legends /myths /beliefs neatly under one heading.
I wondered whether there might be room for Eostre but that might have been pushing the envelope
Remarkable too how many of those who later laid claim to godhood seemed to arrive under the category of parthogenesis .
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 21st March 2008 |
oh bloody hell. cool and dispassionate again!
I'm going to have to get REALLY ANGRY VERY SOON!!!!1!! |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 21st March 2008 |
A wonderfully observed piece, Veronica, and one of my favourite closed forms. Poor old Mithras, eh? Another festival hijacked by those fun loving christians.
Cheers
Brett |
patterjack
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 21st March 2008 |
dons his kevlar vest !
Note Brett's first four words in his review -- you have observed ---- and you have commented , and it is easy to understand your ideas , because they are ideas objectively and not emotionally expressed.
And what the hell is wrong with that ? absolutely nothing !
Their denotation does not need the overlay of emotional connotation , which indeed in this case might even blur the issue which is the putting of a point without huffing and puffing with religious fervour
Rejoice in your skills , Veronica , they are appreciated .
patterjack |
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
A very neat piece of construction, laying the strands of the various repeated religious parallels alongside each other through the repeated lines of the villanelle. You handled the tricky problem of choosing lines that will bear that constant repetition very well.
One glitch: Osiris, Jesus, Mithras - each believer say = singular noun, plural verb? easy to fix by altering to something like all believers?
There must be a central group of things the human psyche requires, which emerge as belief systems - so it's probably not surprising that there are a lot of parallels between religions. Whether any one system is "hijacked" by another is a moot point. |
Congratulations Veronica
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
| I think your poem stands head and shoulders above poems which have no technique or structure to them. It is like adding polish to the finished form. I can understand, myself, how much thought and effort has gone into this poem, and comparing it to prose split into little lines, it really does shine. The great masters of poetry could see that this was what separated good poetry from mediocre, and I certainly can too. I also agree with fellpony above: ie: "laying the strands etc" - Very well done with a good subject for Easter Day. Congratulations. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
I like this. Interested in your reaction to PJ's initial comment. The success of this is at least in part because it is observational and not laced with (religious) fervour. As PJ's second comment:Rejoice in your skills , Veronica , they are appreciated .
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
Thanks l! I appreciate your comments. Fellpony - I'm going to make the edit you suggest - kicking myself for not seeing that before - thanks.
Dispassionate - maybe because I'm really an atheist with pagan sympathies. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
A bit too heavy on religious cliche for me,but then, I was brought up a catholic and have heard it all before I often wonder why religous writing never seeks after the original but relies on well worn phrases and images. It's just my pet peeve.
As for being dispassionate; perhaps the poetry writing is showing you what you are. A form of self discovery. Why fight it? This site has taught me things about my writing that surprised me
cheers
Jane |
Baldr
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 22nd March 2008 |
I somehow thought you had Baldr in mind rather than Jesus. although I do think that the Norse myth is heavily influenced by Christianity (and perhaps vice versa too?).
There have been spring and autumn ever since earth was created and most likely such stories have existed for as long as there were people to tell them.
I find the reviews almost as interesting as the piece itself. Had you not mentioned Jesus, but only the deities of old or maybe even only mother nature, I wonder if they would have been different. |
Lovely poem
Written by mr_soul (126 comments posted) 23rd March 2008 |
A well-written poem that deals perfectly with the relevant ideas that float around at this time of year.
Obviously a lot of effort was spent on this and you certainly did yourself justice with it. Well done! |
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