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Subprime Response
US Federal Reserve meets crisis by injecting eight trillion tons of bullshit into US economy
WASHED-UP-INGTON — The deepening subprime lending crisis, up till now characterized by US President George W. Bush as "a great opportunity to build hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place", has finally been recognized by saner members of his administration for the unfolding economic disaster that the rest of humanity knows it to be. As a result, the United States Federal Reserve Board has decided to take action in the form of issuing eight trillion tons of bullshit for domestic and foreign consumption.
Assistant Secretary to the Treasury Willy Schitcha held a press conference this morning, at which he spun the administration's latest presentations. "Okay, get a load of this one," he said. "Foreclosure: a wonderful chance for your children to get to know their grandparents! Hmm? Related to that, we have: Nostalgic? Move back into your parents' basement!"
Schitcha's presentation represents a sea-change in federal policy. Up until now, the policy has been to deny that the US, and potentially the rest of the world, is heading into a recession, or worse, as a result of American banks lending trillions of bucks to people without two cents to rub together, backed by lunatics in Europe and Asia who supposedly knew something about how money actually works, but turn out not to have. The inevitable defaults seem to have caught everyone by surprise (for "everyone" read: greedy, stupid financiers with more money than brains). Now that the trend has become undeniably clear to anyone who isn't brain-dead (and even to Republican voters as well), the administration is attempting to persuade the public that the downturn is a positive thing.
"Obviously we don't want to do anything about the economy itself," Schitcha said following his presentation. "I mean, nobody's actually done anything about the economy since, oh, the Eisenhower Administration. Attempting to remedy problems in the economy almost always ends up costing rich people some of their money; and let's be honest... in a plutocracy like ours, that just isn't going to happen. ...Except, you know, to the handful of banking VPs we'll ultimately hang this on who'll wind up spending a few months in Club Fed. We have to throw the public a bone so they don't draw real blood, after all."
When Schitcha's remarks were repeated to the president, he advised potential defendants who might be incarcerated to "not pay the $50 to get out of jail... just roll doubles, it's cheaper."
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Sublime!
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 25th March 2008 | Wow, your'e an angry bunny aren't you, and when anger fuels comedy it really takes off. A faultless bit of satirical humour and you really stuck it to dear old George who probably does think it's all a game of Monopoly.Amongst all that vitriol you made some very good points.
A brilliant piece, reminded me, in places of the diatribes of the late great Bill Hicks. I can give it no higher praise.
cheers | I concur
Written by patterjack (1060 comments posted) 25th March 2008 | And second all that BBS has said
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 25th March 2008 | Scary. Repercussions are flowing on. I saw on the news last night, a sheriff who has the terrible job of evicting people from repossessed houses - families all packed up and just sitting there in the house. They have nowhere to go.
Mia |
Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 26th March 2008 | An excellent bit of biting satire Andy.
Roger |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 26th March 2008 | Well written piece - with the above.
Phil |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | | Also agree with the above. And thank you to the US for introducing the word "subprime" into our vocabularies here... none of us have a scooby what it means, but we all nod knowledgeably, like it's some kind of foreign virus that's infected our mortgages. Excellent. |
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