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Science Fiction and Fantasy
Final Attack
By Justice_Ri_Der
25 March 2008
Just a thought that came to me from one of my (really) grueling battles. And also one of my most memorable moments.

When the light finally reached my eyes, I realized I wasn't in the same room as before.
This one was darker, it felt smaller, more confined.
Before I had a chance to survey the area I realized the platform I was standing on was suspended in midair. Far away from the walls. With almost no space for me to move forward. There was no escape.

I searched frantically for my comrades, but was only presented with more darkness.
Darkness so thick, it almost had a body of it's own.
Even though I had wanted to move before, fear grasped my body so fiercely that not a single muscle would move an inch. With no hope of escape from this platform, and my comrades nowhere in sight; I was alone in the dark.

But not for long, for my enemy appeared right before me, closer than a lover's embrace.
Startled I attempted to predict his next move, but it was too late for he already presented his weapon.
Within a blink of an eye he spread out an array of an assault.
The assault being some form of shimmering prism, of a sky blue colour.
I had seen this before, but the prisms had been a light purple colour.
Regardless of colour, the prisms propelled straight for me, entering and exiting my body. The pain was indescribable, even more so because the speed of these prisms were faster than the ones I had seen before.

My enemy then did a full rotation, spreading his fire across the area of the entire platform.
In doing so, I heard bloody, painful screams resonating from behind him, and realizing that my comrades had also taken the full brunt of his attack. I feared for their lives as well as my own at this point.

His rotation returning to my position brought my thoughts back to my current situation.
As quickly as I could, I jumped high and evaded a second onslaught of his prisms.
But that was my mistake.
For while I was in midair, looking down at the platform, my enemy had vanished into the darkness.

Thinking it was over, and ready to breathe a sigh of relief, I felt the same churning pain in my insides and watched as the same prisms exited my chest.
It was NOT over yet.

As i descended back to the platforms surface, I felt the prisms pierce through me like an arrow through woodwork, only from a different direction.
I glanced at the direction they came from and saw my enemy, looming in the shadows not too far from the platform, gliding through the air as if he were running on it.
Several times I was hit from all axis' within the range of my body, with my enemy appearing to create the flying pain from each direction, all before my feet touched the ground.

Barely standing, I looked to my comrades for assistance, but only seeing them in the same state that I was in; battered and bruised. I tried to call out to him for help, but the only sound that I heard was my heart beating faster, trying to keep the body going for what few seconds it had left.

Before I could use my own weapon to prop me up, and prevent my heavy body from losing to gravity.
Suddenly, everything was quiet, until my enemy appeared hovering a few metres above my head.
Staring down at me with false sympathy, glowing with a bright blue light that engulfed his entire body, he crossed both his arms and weapons to the sides of his body.

With that, the nightmare began. A legion of prisms appearing from every possible side of my body appeared with a one-way ticket to my body. I was not numb from earlier attacks, instead I felt every single piece slice through my body; through my soul. My strength was failing, it was getting dark, pitch black, erasing both my vision and memories.

Death greeted me with open arms to embrace my existence.
I had no time to say goodbye to my friends or family.
Just disappearing in this dark room, in this godforsaken place.
There were no second chances, no ways to try again and survive.
My life was over...

So...I turned off my PlayStation 2 and TV. Sat on my bed, and read a book.

Reviews

Written by Octavius (24 comments posted) 27th March 2008
Some good visualisations in this, and the first-person narrative really helps to draw the reader into the experience. 
 
In terms of improvement, I'd consider revising the flow of some portions of it. The third paragraph springs to mind in particular, where the sentences seem too short and dislocated. I can see that you may have been aiming for a 'snappy' style there to emphasise the fast-moving situation, but I'm not sure that it works.  
 
There are a couple of minor grammatical and punctuation issues elsewhere, particularly with regards to apostrophes, but these can easily be cleared up. I'd think about finding a synonym for 'prism' as well, as the word seems somewhat overused in this short piece. Also, and this may just be a personal thing here, I'd be careful of metaphors like 'closer than a lover's embrace', as this is a little bit of a cliche and can seem like parody. 
 
One last thing to mention: I liked the ending and the sudden 'reveal' of the real world (although having read the introduction I had foreseen this), but perhaps you could do more to emphasise this? If you write the piece in a way that makes the reader believe that this is a real-life situation, then the pull-back at the end becomes an interesting twist.
Good twist
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (93 comments posted) 1st April 2008
Just as I was thinking that this story lacks any explanation of what is going on, I got to the excellent twist in the tale. Good story, but you need to improve your writing. Don’t confuse its and it’s (it is). In a surreal, out of this world, story (if that’s what we’re to believe) avoid measurements, e.g. inches, minutes etc. When you’ve finished a story, leave it for at least a couple of weeks and then read it afresh – you are sure to see where you can make improvements. 
 
Ian 
Guiseley, UK 

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