There's really no deep meaning to be found. I wrote this to entertain myself mostly, but I've been told it's funny for other too :P  enjoy

Avoid Pudding
Mike Shaw


Note to self:
Avoid pudding.

This morning the new sun shimmered on tiny puddles in the snow,
And offered hope that this day would be a good one.
In the shower I sang, and lathered my hair while moaning,
"Yes! Yes!" just like the commercial told me to.
Awkward for a male to emulate a female hairgasm, but this is 2007!
From my closet, I extracted my finest ensemble, and checked my hotness in the mirror.
Rawr. 

For breakfast, Mommy had prepared a decadent chocolate pudding.
I ran a spoon through its creamy, rich waves before raising a scoop
Up to my mouth. At this alarming height above the bowl,
The glob of brown deliciousness jiggled, and swayed dangerously,
As a jungle explorer on a narrow rope bridge. To my horror,
The rope bridge snapped, and breakfast became the tool of my destruction.
The gooey glob of glorious pudding fell from its perch, and splattered
Against the 'O' in 'Hollister', and ran down me, to bring ruination
To the crotch of my cargos.

At first I panicked. I didn't know how to deal with such chaos!
A soft whimper emerged from my throat, and a tear threatened
To betray my masculinity. I ran to the sink, shoving my mother aside,
And applied her dish soap generously to my wounds.
My scrubbing failed, and the suds wouldn't go away!
Everything was wet, and Mommy was ready to drive me to school!
But I couldn't let my fellow Seniors see me like that...
Oh, woe was me! Surely nobody had more life problems than I.

My day was ruined. Tears dot my page even as I write this now,
Hiding in the school washroom, dabbing uselessly at my stained clothes.
This sorrow, this fear to go out in public...is this the pain of Depression?
Yes, Depression...that thing that makes sad people hurt themselves...
Damn you, pudding. Damn you for ruining my life!




Copyright 2008