READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 2162 guests online and 5 members online
Poetry
Twenties
By lauthiamkok
27 March 2008
When you are eighty and dying,
What is left from your twenties?
Your skin is rotting you,
Your cosmetics are giving you away,
Your hairs are greying in silence,
Slipping away while you are sleeping.
What is left by then?
My heart never leaves you;
Even one day when you are lying
Under the green land,
If you return
With just a little,
A little tinge of whisper
You make with the wind
That sends you here,
Even though I am sleeping,
I will love you as in my twenties
As I do

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 27th March 2008
Your wife/GF must be blessed with such a man. Rotting skin seems a bit exaggerated, as the addressed is not yet dead. Wrinkling would have been more appropriate perhaps? 
 
Strangely enough this lacks many of the things I would look for in a poem, yet it still has a great charm.

Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 27th March 2008
Lovely. 
 
Simple, but with depth. I made a comment last night on the poetry forum about meaning (rather than stress and syllable) creating rhythm. This is a perfect example. 
 
Only crit would be line three. Nothing wrong with rotting (I don't think) it's the you that follows that seems slightly out of place. 
 
My favourite poem for some time. 
 
Phil
to Phil
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 28th March 2008
Many thanks for the review and encouragement, I was worried as English is not my first language.  
 
I am pleased as well you like the depth and meaning of this poem.  
 
Lau

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item