This is one of a series of 'Self-Study Guides' I wrote a few years ago, and I thought it might serve as a handy first piece to publish here as it's reasonably short (I was going to say 'pithy', but I have doubts on its pith-quota). All the guides were written in the same style with the same format. It's not really a 'Comedy Script', but this seems the best area to put it.

Please note that this work does contain some reasonably strong language and adult themes. Any seemingly xenophobic tendencies expressed by the work are also, of course, completely tongue-in-cheek.

Self-Study Yourself to Success!

--- Part 1: Languages ---
WARNING:
May contain education.
© Oxbury University Press 2003.

Languages are the means by which we communicate with each other, and are one of the key things that distinguishes ourselves from lower life-forms such as cats, dogs and lawnmowers. Before the invention of language, the only way that people could communicate with one another was to hit them over with the head with a big club (or stick). This proved remarkably ineffective as well as rather messy, and so language was invented.

Nowadays, everybody speaks English. It has become the global language of politics, trade and innuendo because it is extremely simple to understand. In fact, it is so easily understood that even one of those backward foreign types who has not bothered to learn the language can easily pick it up if you just shout loudly enough at them in a clear, steady voice.

English was invented in the tenth century by the Venerable Dave, a monk who also
designed the world’s first split-crotch habit. The language has had a remarkably
colourful history. One of the most monumental changes occurred in 1651 when Oliver Cromwell and his band of short-haired puritans removed all the rude words, such as ‘bum’, ‘tit’ and ‘trampoline’. The monarchy was restored in England in 1660, but the rude words remained exiled until the reign of King George IV, a great fan of the favourite early 19th century pastime of buggery. He rapidly become extremely annoyed that though he could engage in this recreational sport in the middle of the palace without the assembled crowds so much as batting an eyelid, he couldn’t actually say the word without being forced to cut his own head off. Therefore, George reinstated the rude words, having found them at the bottom of the linen closet where Cromwell had hidden them.

English has not changed very much in the last two hundred years, though some words and phrase have fluctuated in popularity. For instance, back in Victorian age the words ‘computer’, ‘satellite’ and ‘motorbike’ were seldom used, whilst nowadays once-popular phrases such as ‘common courtesy’ and ‘spontaneous anal sex’ are rarely heard outside of Cornwall.

French is the variety of English spoken in France and a handful of other out-of-the way places such as Belgium and the Isle of Man. French is a remarkably silly language, with lots of funny accents over letters and masculine and feminine noun forms, whatever that means. French is such a silly language that even French people do not speak it, except to annoy British and American tourists. When they think no-one is listening, French people speak in English just like normal people.

French, however, is not the silliest language in the world. That honour belongs to Finnish, which for a start isn’t even spelt right. Words in Finnish are so long and complicated that, if someone ever asks you to tell them the time in Finnish, you must add ten minutes to the time on your watch since it will take at least that long to reach the end of the sentence. Due to this problem, special care should be taken in Finnish restaurants. Ideally, you should order the starter before you arrive at the restaurant, as ordering it when you sit down at your table will lead to it being delivered after the main course. Do not get carried away, however, and order the desert before the starter. If you attempt to do this then you will end up eating your meal in reverse order, and when you leave will meet yourself entering the  restaurant. This will cause a cataclysmic bending of the space-time continuum that will lead to the annihilation of the universe, which can be very embarrassing if you’re on a first date.

Some languages, like Russian and Arabic, not only use the wrong words, but use a completely different alphabet. This is incredibly silly and has led to the Hundred Years War, syphilis and Barry Manilow.