1. INT. HEAVEN – THE LOCAL PUB - DAY

SFX: WHOOSH! – MATT IS BEING TRANSPORTED UPWARDS

ADRIAN Drinking buddy! You took your time.

MATT What?

ADRIAN Yeah, that’s right mate.

MATT Where the hell am I?

ADRIAN Well, not there that’s for sure. No, you got run over. I don’t really have
to explain do I? It’s good to see you!

MATT (UNSURE) Yeah. You too. What’s this place doing here?

ADRIAN The Pub? I had it copied for my personal usage. You can see it because
it’s somewhere we co-inhabited in life. So it’s just like the Black Boy. C’mon sit down what you’re having? Pint of the black stuff? The service is terrible but well it’s ours.

MATT No-one else comes in here then?

ADRIAN No-one else can come in here Matty boy. So, what you having?

MATT Erm, nothing thanks. Do you have to pay?

ADRIAN Pay? This is Heaven. Don’t you think you did enough paying in life? I
certainly did. (HE TAKES A DRINK OF BEER) Yes, life’s good up
here?

MATT Life?

ADRIAN Well, not…you know what I mean! This is as close as we’re ever
going to get now…

MATT Now we’re dead, you mean?

ADRIAN Well, yes but that’s not so bad is it?

MATT Not so bad? What do you mean…my god, you were unbelievable for
your sweeping statements in life as I remember but eighteen years later in death. You haven’t changed!

ADRIAN What?

MATT You haven’t changed. Not one bit. The only thing of course that has
changed is that the last time I saw you, you’re face was a mess. (HE
STARTS TO CRY.)

ADRIAN Mate, don’t cry.

MATT (FIGHTING BACK THE TEARS) Why shouldn’t I cry? If I want to and hey,
why haven’t you been in touch?

ADRIAN Well, it’s difficult. You know – there are things to do. But look mate,
I’ve been dead eighteen years and I’m still cheerful.

MATT Oh yeah, I can see that it’s difficult…I can certainly see that. Your
entire family and large circle of friends are grieving over you on earth while you’re swanning about up here drinking in the Black Boy. (BEAT) You do realise that it’s been closed down?
 
ADRIAN What has?

MATT The Black Boy. It’s been labelled as a total dump and now, the
bulldozers have moved in. They’re going to use it for a new housing development right on the corner of Prince’s Street, you know where it feeds into Duckets L…

ADRIAN Yeah, I remember. (TO HIMSELF) God. I should have-

MATT Should have what?

ADRIAN I should have done something?

MATT Well, it’s okay. I mean it was falling to rack and ruin anyway and it’s
not as if you could have done an awful lot from- from, up here.

ADRIAN But I might! Don’t you see?

MATT No actually mate I don’t and to tell you the truth, I don’t feel at all
comfortable with this.
 
ADRIAN Well it’s not as if this meant to be easy. God. My favourite watering
hole – imagine that!

(PAUSE)

MATT You went out one afternoon. Darts on the telly. I knew something was
wrong when Jackie rang me, at first I thought you’d just gone for a
long walk and so I told her to wait but then – later – I realised: Darts
on the telly. You’d never miss darts. You shouting at the players
through the screen as if they were going to hear you. Turning the sound
off because you said, “I can tell the ruddy score without someone
shouting it out to me.” Look at all the things you missed? Weren’t
there for? The birthday’s of the boys, the times they had to go to
hospital, your Dad’s funeral, your own birthday. We always
celebrated.

ADRIAN (BEAT) I saw it all y’know. All the birthdays, Christmases and the bad
times. That’s why I should have seen the pub but I didn’t.

MATT You saw it all? I hope you didn’t think that I was pushing my way in
with Jackie. Me and Sandy just tried to help.

ADRIAN No, of course not. I was pleased that Jackie had someone to turn to. I
know that’d we’d never been in, what you might call the ideal
relationship but we did love each other. Still do I suppose.

MATT (TO HIMSELF) I wonder how Sandy is. (TO ADRIAN) How did you
manage to see us all down there?

ADRIAN Well, after a while you’re granted your own space and within that you
can look down at your own space on earth. You’ll get that, later on. The chance to look down at your old space.

MATT Why can’t I do that now?

ADRIAN Ah, that’s down to what they call pastoral care.

MATT Pastoral Care?

ADRIAN Yeah. They sort of try to look after you, a very nice lady comes round
about eating time.

MATT Eating time?

ADRIAN Oh sorry mate, of course. You’re not aware of our little ways. Well,
you see there are no clocks in heaven. What’s the point at looking at the time after all? We are here for eternity.

MATT Eternity!

ADRIAN Yeah, I know what you’re thinking but actually time does go quite fast
– not that I take notice of time itself, you understand. Yes, I knew that we’d be friends in death, just as we were in life.

MATT (UNSURE) Yeah. Of course we will.

ADRIAN Anyway, we don’t go by regular time like… erm.

MATT Three ‘o clock?

ADRIAN Yes. No, we go by when things happen. Like, this is free time and then there’s eating time after free time and then it’s sport time.

MATT Sport time?

ADRIAN Yes!

MATT What do you do in Sport Time?

ADRIAN Well, I’ve taken up tennis at the moment but there are other things
too… badminton, golf, you can swim…

MATT You know I don’t like sports.

ADRIAN Well, there’s no option everything here is compulsory.

MATT Compulsory? What about this free choice that we’re always hearing
about.

ADRIAN Well, we up here know that this is a common but totally false myth.

MATT Oh.

ADRIAN Well, don’t look so martyred about it. This place is a damn sight better
than I expected and you soon get used to the ways, even though they are a little strange. Anyway, it passes the time.

MATT That’s twice you’ve said that now.

ADRIAN Said what?

MATT ‘It passes the time.’ I thought you said that here, in this place, no-one
was bothered about time?

ADRIAN It is just an expression. Don’t be so literal about it.

MATT I don’t think that I should be here.

ADRIAN Yeah, everyone says that mate – when they first arrive. Soon they’re
fine.

MATT I don’t think I will be – ever.

ADRIAN Of course you will we’ve got each other, haven’t we?

MATT Yes.

ADRIAN After all. (HE LAUGHS)  What choice have you got? Well, either of
us?

MATT I think I’m in the wrong place.

ADRIAN Well where else are you going to go?

MATT I could always go downwards.

ADRIAN What? You don’t mean – ?

MATT I think I’m really in the wrong place. Maybe that’s where I belong.