It only sounds a small change on paper, and yet if people could show love to each other, what a better world it would be, starting with each one of us.
All that it takes is a change of heart -
A switch from hate to love.
All that it takes is a brand new start -
With some help from God above.
A change from greed, envy and rage
To thoughtfulness and care,
To help His children turn the page.
This is my daily prayer.
Copyright 2008
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Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 28th March 2008 | | Strange hm, how people can see what is right, but not find the strength to do it? If everyone would conquer his or her own emotions there would be peace everywhere. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 28th March 2008 | Hello Josie.
I’m willing to learn something about something I know so little about. (Phew, that was a mouthful!).
The problem I always seem to have with poetry is getting any sort of beat going; although that’s not entirely true, I quite often get a beat going in ‘my’ head that no-one else seems to pick up on.
For instance, I don’t understand the beats or stress points in this poem. My instinct with this would have been to remove ‘some’ - switch ‘greed & envy’ - (can’t get the beat at all with ‘unselfishness’) and to lose ‘to’.
So I’d have done it sort of:
All it needs is a change of heart
A switch from hate to love
All it needs is a brand new start
With help from God above.
A change from envy, greed and rage
To thoughtfulness and share.
To help His children turn the page -
This is my daily prayer.
So-o-o-o-o, please explain to me, pretty please, which words I should be beating on in your version. (You see, I don’t even know any of the technical terms. Help!!!).
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (595 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | Oh Steve, we will have you reading Fry before you can say "pentameter"! Everything I know about the technical stuff I got either from there or from our good friend patterjack who is extremely helpful to those of us learning the tricks of the trade.
There's also some good stuff on wikipedia if you look for
"meter (poetry)"
I agree with Josie's analysis too. I work in a very project-team based environment. It is second nature there to be very very careful of how you criticise somebody. To get the best from people we can't go grinding them into the dirt, we have to encourage, coach, and generally walk a mile in their shoes. Above all we don't criticise the person, just the work or the behaviour. (Just like Tania Byron in those toddler taming programmes, says you can't say somebody is a "naughty child" just that they did a naughty thing!)
So in my reviews I try to say what I did like as well as what I didn't. I don't always achieve it perfectly, but reviewing a poem is almost as nmuch of an art as writing one. And when I see a good review (fellpony does some great ones) it helps me learn what there is to see in the poem in question.
And I guess, if I was going to be VERY critical, I might adopt Josie's tactic of commenting in a private message. | To Steve
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | Hello Steve: I wrote this poem about 2 years ago when I knew nothing about iambic feet etc, and I am just learning the words for what I am doing now. I posted it because the subject matter links to what has come up in Poets' Tavern. To be honest, I think I could improve a bit on the last verse.
"To unselfishness and care" The stresses would be:
To unSELFishNESS and CARE - - It is called iambic feet because it follows the pattern: ti TUM ti TUM ti TUJ with the emphasis on the second stess rather than the first. In the last line, the stress is on the first word, to show and emphasis, and my summing up. I've just been learning about this, in fact, and it is correct. When the stress is on the first word, it is called trochaic (see the children's section poems), and when the trochee is placed at the beginning, as I have done it, followed by two unstressed words, iand then reverts to iambic feet, t is called a trohaic substitution. ie, TUM ti ti TUM ti TUM - Stephen Fry's example of this was:
NOT in the HANDS of BOYS but in their EYES
Your third line in the second verse is, indeed, better than mine, and now, knowing about iambic feet etc, I would probably have done this too. I will change mine, I think, to improve it.
I hope this explains this to you. I would recommend strongly, that people look at the book we have been reading, and the exercises in Poets' Tavern, and I hope some people will have a try at the exercises for they are not difficult and quite helpful.
However, when I look at my old poems, such as this, there's not a great deal wrong with the metre - it was just that I didn't know that there wwere names for the stresses. Rather like listening to music, Steve, but notknowing the names of crochets, quavers etc It doesn't mean that you don't enjoy the music. | Again
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | Looking at the poem again, I guess the experts would say that I should have written; ALL that it NEEDS is a CHANGE of HEART - at the beginning, so that I achieved TUM ti ti TUM it TUM etc - to match the last line.
Experts, please help! Perhaps I am right to leave it - or not? |
Written by punchy (493 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | | Nice poem Josie, I did struggle slightly with the rhythm and Steves adjustments were easier to recite but should poetry be instantly rhythmical or can sometimes we rehearse inorder to establish the rhythm. For I find the the first word of each line if sometimes not approached on the beat can throw the whole line? | There we all are
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 29th March 2008 | | I think you will find that is much better now. (I hope so). Thanks for your suggestions. Always welcome. |
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