Let me be water
Naturally streaming
Flowing without force
Let me be a cloud
Going where the wind takes me
Without thoughts, weightless
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
I think the first one a nice piece - Flowing without force -
very zen. Is it not the done thing today to stick to the
5-7-5 syllable sequence? I am a little naive when it comes to exotic forms.
The second Haiku, however, I thought marvellous. Again, another strong final line.
All good stuff. |
Written by lauthiamkok (60 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
Nice thought!
As for me, I would make this line, "Going where the wind takes me" like this,
Going where wind goes
Cheers. |
Haiku
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
| Well done! Of course, yours are excellent, but you practise them more than I do, and I actually like them less than English verse with its metre. Again - well done! |
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
Thanks Brett, lauthiamkok and Josie.
Could always practice a bit hm?  Writing them does help to order one's thoughts a bit. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
No idea if these stick to the form -not syllable count, but flow of idea - of a haiku - but thought they were both very effective. There seems to be an increasingly eastern (at least to my ear) phrasing and thought to your writing. Effective for it too.
Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
Thanks Phil.
Somehow the idea of letting everything go sometimes seems very nice. |
haiku-therapy
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
Your haikus are so soothing. I think stressed-out people should read your poems and calm down, let go, and let be. I particularly liked the second one. I feel weightless.
Mia |
The trouble...
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 29th March 2008 |
... with haikus, as I have remarked before, is that they can become addictive. They do give the opportunity for showing a single image; they do give the chance to express an emotion simply; they can bring on a zen state; but they can be a ball and chain in limiting development.
Use them judiciously and they can be both satisfying to the writer and good reading for the public.
You do well, Maus.
patterjack
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Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 30th March 2008 |
Thanks Mia and patterjack.
Mia. I hope so. Those latest haikus were for a large part also to calm my own mind a little. I had to remind myself of what it was all about again
patterjack. I think you might be right: They are addictive. I should limit writing them a little I think |
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