Long shot by camera placed up in audience showing two men seated

on swivel chairs with a small table between them.

                    ANNOUNCER V.O.

          Welcome to LEAD A HORTICULTURE. 

          Tonight's guest is U.S. State

          Department representative Chuck

          Galeforce.  And now here's your host,

          Fabian Fricative.

Cut to stage-level view of Fricative, who is playing with a pencil

à la David Letterman.

                    FRICATIVE

          Good evening, and welcome to LEAD A

          HORTICULTURE.  Tonight's guest—

                    ANNOUNCER V.O.

          I just said that.

                    FRICATIVE

          Oh, sorry.  So, Mr. Galeforce,

          you're here tonight to tell us your

          department's views on relations

          with Iran.

Cut to wider view showing both men.

                    GALEFORCE

          Yeah, we're probably going to bomb

          them.

                    FRICATIVE

          ...That's it?

                    GALEFORCE

          Pretty much, yeah.

                    FRICATIVE

          Don't you think some attempt at

          diplomacy ought to be tried first.

                    GALEFORCE

          Tried it; didn't work.

                    FRICATIVE

          When?  When was it tried?

                    GALEFORCE

          Mr. Fricative, you and every other

          intelligent viewer knows that the

          US has been trying for generations

          to engage Iran in a dialog.  And

          we've been rebuffed every time.

                    FRICATIVE

          Well, actually, we don't know

          that.  Iran has been diplomatically

          isolated by the United States for

          thirty years, and every indication

          is the US refuses to sit down and

          discuss matters with Iran unless Iran

          agrees in advance to accede to the

          US positions on those matters.

                    GALEFORCE

          Well, yeah, of course.  We're not

          going to enter into discussions

          with people who aren't going to

          agree.

                    FRICATIVE

          But don't discussions imply at

          least the possibility of compromise

          on both sides?

                    GALEFORCE

               (chuckling)

          Man, what planet are you living on?

                    FRICATIVE

          One I hope not to see incinerated

          out from under us all in the next

          few years.  But be that as it

          may... what actually are the issues the

          US has with Iran?

                    GALEFORCE

          Weapons of mass destruction.

                    FRICATIVE

          Specifically?

                    GALEFORCE

          That we're the only ones allowed to

          have them.

                    FRICATIVE

          Allowed?  By...?

                    GALEFORCE

          Us!  Who else?

                    FRICATIVE

          So your position is to insist that

          Iran is building nuclear weapons,

          despite the fact that it has opened

          its processes up to international inspection,

          despite the fact that it has the

          right under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation

          Treaty to non-military use of

          nuclear technology...?

                    GALEFORCE

          That's all gobbledy-gook.  Do you

          want to see a mushroom cloud over

          New York, or London?

                    FRICATIVE

          Or Tehran?

                    GALEFORCE

          That's different.

                    FRICATIVE

          Mr. Galeforce, I think most people

          remain unconvinced that Iran is out

          to build nuclear weapons.  But

          given that its neighbour Israel is

          permitted, if I may use the word,

          to maintain something like 200 of

          them itself, and given that the

          United States has now repeatedly

          suggested it may exercise

          preemptive use of nuclear weapons

          against Iran, could anyone blame them

          if they did have such plans?

                    GALEFORCE

          You're obsessing.  I've responded

          to this.

                    FRICATIVE

          Fine.  What other issues do you

          have with Iran?

                    GALEFORCE

          Democracy.  There's a democratic

          deficit in Iran.  The place is run

          by evil men who don't even let

          women vote.

                    FRICATIVE

          They do, in fact.  Women do vote in

          Iran.

                    GALEFORCE

          No, they don't.

                    FRICATIVE

          Yes, I'm afraid they do.  On the

          other hand, our erstwhile ally,

          Saudi Arabia--

                    GALEFORCE

          Leave Saudi Arabia out of this. 

          This isn't about Saudi Arabia.

                    FRICATIVE

          But if we're claiming a "democratic

          deficit" is an impetus to attack a

          sovereign nation--

                    GALEFORCE

          It always comes down to picking on

          Saudi Arabia, doesn't it?  Why are

          you people so anti-Semitic?

                    FRICATIVE

          Excuse me?

                    GALEFORCE

          Look, does it really matter?  We've

          determined that Iran is evil, and

          that's that.

                    FRICATIVE

          It's just that I think most people

          expect some sort of cogent,

          compelling reason when they're

          being asked to commit their

          country, their economy, and the

          lives of their young people to war.

                    GALEFORCE

          A reason?  Look, we're the United

          States; we don't-- okay, fine.

GALEFORCE leans forward and looks directly into the camera.

          Kids, Iran killed Santa.  They shot

          a missile at him and blew him right

          out of the sky.  And Rudolph, too. 

          Because Iran is bad, there'll never

          be any Christmas ever again,

          forever.

GALEFORCE sits back.

          There, you happy now?

                    FRICATIVE

          Ecstatic.  I'd like to thank Chuck

          Galeforce for coming on the show

          tonight.  Next week's guest will be

          Iggy Jinglebells, the elf in charge

          of maintaining Santa's "Naughty and

          Nice List".  Be here next week and

          see who's really got the goods. 

          Good night, and good luck.