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By jammycarrot
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30 March 2008 |
Another piece written as ongoing work in my creative writing group.....this time the subject was returning to school.....
enjoy!
Florescent tubes flicker,
Desperately trying to dig the corridors out of darkness.
Gleaming floors, waxed, polished,
Desks and lockers, graffiti free.
No gum, No mud, No cares.
Summer days drift off into the closet,
With the broom and vacuum and mop.
Halls empty,
Rooms fill,
Bells ring.
It's a long way till summer.
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Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | | Yes, I know the feeling well. An excellent poem from a young Yorkshire writer. (Fledermaus wonders why so many poets come from Yorkshire). But there are many famous writers of all kinds from the north of England. Haworth, home to the Bronte sisters is near where I live and Gilly Cooper lives up the road. This really is a very good poem James. Well done. I liked it a lot. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | Hello Mr Carrot (can I call you Jam?).
I’ve just read both of your poems and, even though the content of your poetry is not something that I would automatically be drawn to, I must say that it is so nice to read something that is delivered in a language I can understand.
Keep up the good work and feel free to join in.
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | Nice little snapshot of the school spit-and-polished ready for a new term. No cliches and no spelling mistakes - that must mark you out to go further than most who attempt poetry!  And, unlike some published writers  , no plagiarism either - well done for being original. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | Also just read both of your pieces. I like this one the most. You created a good feel of an empty school and I like the way it turned back to the next summer at the end - oh so far away.
Had a look at a couple of your postings from earier visits. Much improved, less self conscious and much less overtly poetical. By that I mean writing things that sound traditionally poetic just because they sound that way. All the lines in this piece are there for a reason - and so they communicate.
You seem to be writing in a much more considered way. Good for you.
Phil |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | Another Gem! I agree with Fellpony( although I am guilty of pitiful spelling but I went to theatre college where spelling meant graffitti)
Paula x | It's Never Too Late
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | | It is absolutely never too late to learn to spell, and today people have the advantage of spellchecks Punchy. The real reason behind the bad spelling etc on this website is that people can't be bothered to get it checked. This, however, is good, but would look much better split into clear verses. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 30th March 2008 | A very evocative piece, you paint a vivid picture with commendable economy. Simply expressed and all the better for it, though I do think you could lose "desperately" in second line; it's a touch overdone.
Liked the ending,too.
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