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Shorts
Dark Valley House
By TurboWolffe
02 April 2008
I don't know what came over me...

Dark Valley House

 

The incessant barking of a hound echoed out across the valley, and into the mountains. The valley was filled with the colors of an iron fall, and the dark colors of the climbing evergreens were stippled against the mountains, purple and orange in the receding light. A smooth, glassy lake was laid out in the valley as if it were the last drops of some leftover beverage. The call of the hound continued its maddening echo, and seemed to stir a wind, which dove down, and slapped the leaves of the trees. The wind moaned and whistled through the creaking, swaying branches, and the hound stopped its call.

The forest shivered as the sunset grew black, and the eerie glow of the moon shone from above. The star-splattered sky grew dark, and heavy as the wind began to moan once more. The wind blew through the trees, underneath the leaves, into the forest, and through the shrubbery. It followed its ghostly path until it had found itself and eerie resident. It was an old mansion, draped in moss, and encroached in dark growth. Vines slithered up its columns, and through the old shutters in the windows. It lay still, and black, except for the slight scream of the wind, and the variety of creaking and groaning which it produced. Unseen doors swayed on their century-old hinges, banging shut, and clattering open again.

The wind blew past the front door of the mysterious house, and the lock rattled violently, giving way, and tumbling from its rusted outline. It fell to the floor, and the wooden planks gave a hollow thunk, as it fell straight down. The porch rattled, and an ancient, ruined rocking chair rocked to and fro. Back…and forth…back…and forth…back…and forth. Creak…creak…creak.

The wind suddenly seemed to rupture, and it exploded through the house, jolting the shutters, and banging the doors. It forced its way through the many cracks and slits, and…the house, it began to scream.

As the screaming began, the wind became instantly still, and the screams were allowed to echo out into the bereft valley, up the sides of the mountains, and pivoting from the tips in a resounding echo. The howl of the hound took up again, fearful of the screams which haunted its mind. Then the house heard the howl as it came to echo against it. It gave a sharp CRACK!, and the howl broke.

Suddenly the house began to moan as the porch slumped into the dirt. The house had broken a column, and it fell, and rolled up against the porch. The shingles skittered down, and showered upon the yard as termites fell plentiful from the sky. The panels of the floor sunk, and bent into hazardous shapes and curvatures. The old rocking chair shattered as a beam fell heavily upon it, and the porch suddenly released itself into a termite-ridden avalanche of wood. Dust rose into the night air, and the wind blew it into and opaque cloud. The screams began again as the house thundered and roared.

Suddenly, it grew still. The house lay silent, and dead. The cloud of dust floated silently on the air like stray feathers. The termites no longer fell, and the shingles and the wood lay unnaturally silent. The screams were not even whispers, and the wind left the air stagnant. The shutters and doors didn’t slam, and the house lay hushed in the dark moonlight. The hound, far of in the distance mad not a single sound. It didn’t howl, bark, yelp, or whine. Not even a growl or a snarl against the dark predator of the night. Nothing. The entire valley lay absolutely still in the dark hours of night.

The dust fell, and the house remained still. It was in complete disarray from the damaged porch. But a whisper pierced the silence. It spoke in an unknown language, seemingly chanting an eerie spell. Then the wind, the souls of the wind shivered, answering the whisper with a dark, low voice. The hound moaned, and a light shone, somewhere in the dark house. A shadow passed over, and the screams sounded somewhere at the vanishing point, in the distance.

The moon disappeared as they screamed for darkness, and the blood of the innocent

Reviews

Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 1st April 2008
Brilliant. What a powerful imagination you have, and what skills to put it down on paper (virtual) this way. I'm in awe. The personification of the valley, house, wind etc etc worked extremely well. They seem to come alive with dark sinister power, then die to a complete haunting silence. 
 
I've noticed a couple of things that I thought interrupted the flow a little early in the piece. 
 
"The valley was filled with the colors of an iron fall, and the dark colors of the climbing evergreens were stippled against the mountains, purple and orange in the receding light. A smooth, glassy lake was laid out in the valley..." 
 
The passive voice in which you write seem to somehow take away from the aliveness of these things you are talking about. When you write in active voie (which you do most of the time), inanimate things seem to take on flesh and life. 
 
"It lay still, and black, except for the slight scream of the wind, and the variety of creaking and groaning which it produced." 
 
The word "variety" took something away for me from the sentence. It seems like an inanimate abstract word in the midst of colourful active verbs. 
 
But the above are personal observations and small points. I loved this piece. I think it reminds me of someone else I've read. Does Stephen King write like this? I only read a couple of his books a million years ago before I gave him up out of fright. 
 
Mia 8)

Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 2nd April 2008
Very good, some wonderful descriptive prose and a wonderful haunting feel to it. 
 
As mentioned above maybe some slight cutting back on this here and there but that's a minor quibble to be honest. 
 
There is a dark, malevelant almost poetic feel to the writing that sits perfectly with the subject. 
 
Great read, thank you. 
 
Phil
OMG!!!
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 2nd April 2008
Hey, guys! 
I'm so glad that you liked my piece! I didn't know what to think of it, because I was a little distracted! My brother nearly gave me writer's block! (or whatever it is) 
Yes, Stephen King does kinda write like that, but for some reason, his writing has...*cough* endings that could be better. I read Duma Key, his new book a month or two ago, and the entire thing was fine, until he got to the ending! I really wish he wouldn't do that, because he's so talented! But, fortunately, not all of his books are like that. 
I guess it's sort of Stephen King, because he is an inspiration to me, but who knows? Maybe I threw in a little Poe or something. I really don't know. 
I am pleased, that it was satisfactory! I'm kind of a little fresh to writing, and I thank the experts who have done it longer than me! 
-TW

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 3rd April 2008
Ooooh...nice and errie this one. The setup was brilliant, giving the chills where it was needed. The word "variety" struck me as odd too. It flowed well, with some great, vivid descriptions. Good work. 
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 10th April 2008
Hello Turbowolffe: Ah - caught up with you again. What brilliant writing. Well done! I would only ask one thing of you: Pleasel don't centre your lines as you've done. Do your writing with blocked paragraphs with 2 turnups between paragraphs. You will know why I say this. ha ha. Such wonderful writing needs to look really professional on the paper.

Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 11th April 2008
Sorry, i got used to, and i haven't stopped since, so... 
Thanks again you two! I was working on cahnging that work "variety". I dunno. 
 
Thanks guys! 
_TW

Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 12th April 2008
This does create atmosphere but (and I'm clearly in a minority here) I feel it needs work to allow it to work on a less conscious level. You use 'the wind' too often and many of the ideas do not flow naturally one to the other. You know that thing when you read - you get to the end of a chapter and you were so wrapped up you don't remember reading the words, just experiencing the story? That's how Stephen King writes. The words (though not particularly highly literary) are chosen very carefully to move the reader from one page to the next with out him thinking about it. Here you have the opposite. The words are very apparent and block engagement. There's scope here to turn this into something that works like that as all the elements are in place. 
 
Not a negative crit as such - just an response that I think this could be more. 
 
I hope my ramble makes sense. 
 
Phil

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