This is a somewhat hurried work, unpolished, written in an attempt to divorce myself from the seductions of writing what Fledermaus so aptly named Meta-poetry.
Winter swimming in an outdoor unheated pool is, to say the least, invigorating .
The Pool.
The swimming pool is a single azure eye
staring unblinking at a cerulean sky.
After some late autumn nights, the water
lies still and cold; the winterwards sun above
is a silver disc, not a childishly painted gold.
Reluctantly I break the surface and then
with a hearty mental cheer for my own bravado
but lacking the breath to shout aloud,
huzzah!
I splash along with a less than gentle stroke
until at last the chill strikes deep enough
To force me to emerge .
This daily ritual, that I am told is good for me,
I observe religiously.
I am compelled to say that I prefer to swim
in the waters of the bay that lap the shore
close to our holiday home; waters that I feel
have both a touch of the amniotic and a reminder
that they have a permanence to which this pool,
just like myself, cannot aspire.
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BRRR
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
Not only do you write inspiring poetry but if you really do as your poem suggests then you have my respect.
I love "the hearty mental cheer for my own bravado"
and the "huzzah!". Makes me shiver just reading it.
I am such a wimp, grew up with a swimming pool in my garden and only ever went in it when it was at least 75f with no spiders lerking or even dead leaves.
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
There is an old Korean saying, “A dog raised in a school can recite poetry after three years.” After 2 months hanging around GW I can now see some things in poems that I couldn’t see before!
‘A single azure eye staring blinking at a cerulean sky’ – what a way to describe the pool! Blue water against blue sky. A blue eye - that’s exactly how pools appear on aerial photos. This expression almost makes it some kind of sentient life form.
‘waters that I feel have both a touch of the amniotic’ – the amniotic fluid of the mother’s womb that protects the unborn child. I was reminded of Rembrandt’s painting, ‘The return of the prodigal son'. (I’m no artist. I’m the kind of person who would sell a Piccaso in a garage sale.) But in the painting, the returned son’s head was glistening like a newborn babe's head as he was embraced by his father, suggesting the prodigal son’s desire return to the protective environment of the womb, ie. his father's house. At least that was Nouwen's interpretation (Catholic priest / academic.) Sea depicted as the amniotic water, I found very poignant.
The contrast made between the sea and the pool - I am always impacted by the point you sometimes make in your poems about the transient nature of man and things made by man.
Anyway, above is my personal reaction to this poem. Ahhh... Again I will be thinking about this for days...
But above all, I almost revere you, pj, for plunging into the cold winter pool! I do hear it’s very good for you, icier the better!
Mia  |
whoof
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
It will get colder still alas -- but it is good for exercising arthritic joints and, like true love ,for making the heart beat faster .
Being somewhat -- shall we say -- pleasantly plump , I havea seal-like layer of subcutaneous fat to help keep the cold at bay.
Thanks for that first sentence !
patterjack |
and Mia...
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
...your review turned up after I had replied to Punchy's -- hence I did not give simultaneous thanks .
I give them now
And what an amazing saying ! I must keep thatone in mind !!!
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
You challenged me to write detail into my reviews, so:
So; the pool is an unblinking eye - it sees everything, including you and your thoughts. Nice start. You observe the sun very well (backstroke, huh?) and I like the silver disc versus the gold, this is a grown-up piece of nature observation. We get the feeling of how cold it is, that you can't cheer yourself on. The word "cold" is a sort of internal rhyme with "gold" using what seems to be the natural caesura for me - I got fooled by this and started looking for other rhymes in the poem. "Winterwards" shows that the season is heading towards its completion, as is the swimmer, by the end of the poem (but then, so are we all, at a rate of roughly one year older every 365 days).
The question - why are you putting yourself through this discipline? is answered well by the next two lines - using religiously and ritual to make this sound like a sacrifice you are performing to the pool, or to the sun.
The last bit is, rightly, the punchline. You compare yourself as a fragment of life and the pool as a fragment of the sea. The sea is huge and primal and permanent. The word amniotic made it seem like the source of all life, all pools. Are you thinking of resurrection - life going back to the Great Pool?
This last stanza seemed different in tone to me, as if you were looking away from the pool and turning towards the reader, and speaking more naturally. That's probably because of the "I must say" phrase, and the lack of marked punctuation / caesura in the stanza. It balances on the edge of prose and poetry to my ear.
And at the end, the intimation of mortality, which harks back to the "I am told is good for me" and "winterwards" kind of balances things out nicely.
I can't fathom out a regular metre - there seem to be 11, 12 or 13 syllables per line. But I am sure you didn't intend anything that calculated here.
A beautiful vignette. Lucky you having a pool!
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
I'm certainly not going to attempt to follow Veronica, but only as I believe that she has written a review that deserves critique itself (and V that is a compliment).
I am here to wallow in 'waters...this pool, just like myself cannot aspire.'
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
Pish and tosh, Brett (although very kind)! PJ asked me to take a look in detail, so I wrote down what I thought it said to me. I didn't make comments about metre or rhyme because it's one of these here free verse thingies.
It might say some different things to you. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Hurried, unpolished, whatever - for what would I know about the technicalities?
What it does do is engage on a personal, wider and emotion scale.
'with a hearty mental cheer for my own bravado
but lacking the breath to shout aloud, huzzah!'
Lovely
I really liked the last. It gave the piece a much more universal feel.
Having read Veronica's commentary - I have to say I prefer my way of reading poems. My response is more emotional and less analytical. Not a crit of V, in fact very interesting to see a different style of reading.
Liked this very much.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Have emailed you about the poem.Hope you get it,
Jane |
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