|
The old classical yearning ?
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
Are you joining the Bacchae ? 
Good stuff , except for that feed rhyme which is a tad forced .
Whatever , have fun !
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
I love this. It's as if you've just found the freedom to love and enjoy the gift of your unique self & life. I love that image of your hair through the wind's fingers - an image of freedom and womanly beauty. I liked the 'need-feed-bleed' words. I stopped at 'feed' for a second, like pj. Then I thought maybe you were talking about 'teaching', 'counselling' and 'enlightening' others through what you had to share... And i thought it was a very maternal and tender image...
Anyway I loved it as a woman, who also is on a similar quest. Beautiful!!!!
Mia  |
Patterjack
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
I googled Bacchae and found this -" The Bacchae is about the eternal theme of the strong psychological conflicts that occur within each of us. From it we learn how the human condition must encompass a ceaseless struggle for equilibrium" . I'd never heard of it before but I like and I relate!
Thankyou for your review ,you have both made my evening.
"feed" I know what you mean but I see sharing opinion as feeding if in a giving of knowledge, feeding the minds of others. But fare enough if it sounds forced. I could have written :
"What shame would benefit from keeping me covered when my skin yearns for touch
And pleasure that can only fulfill my desire
What shame gags me when there is so much I yearn to tell and to share
yet my voice is not permitted to fire"
but I thought that was a little aggressive?
?Dunno
Thankyou so much anyway, I do appreciate as this one was from the heart.
 |
Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
I can relate to this style of yours, Paula - arse-holed mates you may say.
Have you ever read any of the Greeks? Try Euripides' The Bacchae it's a hoot.
Look into Anacreontics, a form of poetry that may be, shall we say, right up your alley?
Bacchus and his satyrs aside, I like this piece for all its doubtfulness is reinforced by its underlying strength. Nice.
Cheers |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
Thankyou Brett, I haven''''t read the Greeks, the nearest I ever got to a greek was when in Corfu at 9 years old but I won't expand on that one 
I'll check out Anacreontics?
xxxx |
The Disorderly Women
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
I have acted in the play named above ( First Secretary -- a role which gave me , together with Agave the queen . one of the most intense interactive moments I ever had on stage.) It is based on the classical Bacchae - and I have also produced the play with my students -- as a modern play it is quite powerful. Dionysian versus Apollonian vision-- and Dionysus wins out.
That rewrite -- too aggressive ? I don't think so . I can see ways that the last line could be made even stronger , but it is my firm belief that the poem belongs to the poet and is not for someone else to tamper with by producing other versions
patterjack |
Firm belief aside
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
|
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 2nd April 2008 |
| Please enlighten me, I can only learn from your ideas? |
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
| I liked the clever end in this one. With PJ on the "feed" rhyme - though am not able to suggest how to improve, since it might change the lines out of your intended meaning. Do you need "no longer" in What shame will no longer stop me ? - I had trouble making out the meaning there in relation to the final "no shame". Good thoughts - it only wants a polish to become a good poem. |
Nope Punchy
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
No rewrites by me .It is a principle . There are , I am sure, a couple of reveiewers who would only too glad to hang on to your coat tails .
You are , in my view , good enough to do it all for yourself if you want to
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (603 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
I have only one suggestion to make on this rather wild and breezy poem, which I liked a lot. In the third verse, I might be tempted to put a comma like this:
Held in, they only display as cold.
Just to help the sense of it as I read it.
A very good work, I thought. |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Thanks VM will do just that.
and thankyou very much |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
You've had a good going over (technically speaking!) so I'll just add - liked it a lot.
Phil |
Re-reading this...
Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
I have come to find how much I like the exclusion of the question marks that one expects. The poem then reads
'What Shame.'
Particularly powerful at the poem's resolve.
Christ, you'd almost think I was sober.
Cheers |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Sober? of course not, I'm not!
It's not often I am appreciated for my lack of punctuation. You make me smile x |
Well Done!
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
What Shame? No shame.
Loved this! Great emotion felt through the words. This is a poem that I can relate to and you have my vote. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
I like the reworked one better. "Desire/Fire" is far more powerful than "need/feed". "What shame/No Shame" is much better ending, quiet but definitive. I thought the 1st version ended just with "No shame". Whatever. I really like this.
Mia |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
