Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Disjunction
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1773 guests online and 2 members online
Poetry
print friendly version     
Disjunction
By shirley_keeldar
02 April 2008

Hey I'm a bit rusty so be kind! Laughing


If I
Could speak
To you I
Would say-

We are
The same
Two
You and I
I and you
Too
The same
We are

Moss green changing eyes
And our redheaded temper

I fight your battles and
You speak my words

But you
Are not he
And I
Cannot be she
And you
Cannot
Have me.

This is what
I would say
If I could say
No to you-

Reviews
Epigrammatic...
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 2nd April 2008
...in its short line jerkiness 
 
It has an interesting structural balance , especially the second stanza within itself , but in the whole poem overall. 
 
The self contradictions do strain the balance a little , and thereby it gets closer to a fun piece than a serious one 
 
Welcome back  
 
patterjack
Jerkiness...
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 3rd April 2008
....is what I was aiming for, I wanted it to sound stuttery and unsure, trying to convince myself something but not really believing in my intentions, maybe thats also why it seems like a fun piece, hmm... 
 
Thanks for reviewing and all ;)  
 
 
L

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 3rd April 2008
The structure, its roundness/balance also struck me - and it's not something I'm usually particularly aware of or look for. 
 
Interesting piece. Not sure I'm so keen on the short line/jerkiness thing, but if that was what you were aiming for - you certainly achieved it. 
 
Phil
To be totally honest...
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 3rd April 2008
...the short lines were part laziness and part really struggling! I've been far removed from my writing for too long and finding it very difficult to "get back into it"! 
 
So if anyone has any tips... 
 
 
Thanks for reviewing! 
 
 
L

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.