Ah, this website is much more addictive than I thought. I came back to this site and saw some poems I liked and was itching to review. I wrote this as well, I've thought the best way to learn is probably a site like this. So this is just a little something to break myself back in. I still intend on taking time out from here to concentrate more on my novel, yet I don't see why I shouldn't also try improving at poetry. I like being a part of this site. Thanks everyone.
Mr Soul you swore you’d left to do other things
Fill your mind with words and your gut with drinks
But you’ve had a lot of time to ponder and think,
And you couldn’t stay away for long.
Now you were not scared and you did not feel threatened
By any negative reviews that you were getting
You only want to meet the standards they are setting,
No fights about right or wrong.
Time to give to the art is hard to find
Yet you must continue to treat these eyes so blind
Because in the written word is the freedom of mind,
It is you who must strive to win.
So continue towards your plan and the flair you yearn
Be brave, be open and be willing to learn
Keep reading and writing and rewards you will earn,
Time will prove you’ll win.
|
hullo again!
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Interesting rhyme scheme - bit of a bugger to manage, in places, eh.
Good to see you back, and with a positive attitude. Do you want a more detailed crit? or just a "hello back atcha"? |
Hello again fellpony
Written by mr_soul (80 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
| Haha, no, feel free to tear this one apart if you so desire. That is what its all about. I must admit myself, it was a bit difficult to manage yeh ha. Its just a light-hearted "hello again" thing anyway, I probably won't be posting as much as I previously did, not until I gain a better grasp of poetry. Yet here is a great place to learn, that is why 've decided to come back |
Okay then
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
I liked: (1) the movement from a negative to a positive attitude; (2) the way you set up and kept to a rhyme scheme and a line pattern - even though you weren't totally successful, you didn't abandon it.
Less good: (1) continue to treat these eyes so blind. I'm puzzled by whose eyes they are - yours, or your readers? And treat sounds like you're a doctor  (maybe you are - and even if not, maybe you want to keep the analogy.) And, when you find you need to add in "so" to make the line work rhythmical, it's somewhere earlier in the line that you need to make changes, to get the rhythm right. (note - I'm not talking about strict metre here, just rhythm.)
(2) continue towards your plan and the flair you yearn - I was puzzled again about the grammar here. I know you've dropped off "for" from the end of the line to achieve the rhyme ... you chose to do that rather than go for total clarity of meaning. So that bit (and the rhymes in the next 2 lines) might stand a re-work.
On the whole, it's not a bad piece of work to return with, is it |
Yes
Written by mr_soul (80 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
I see your points. It was a bit tricky in some parts I admit. I'll certainly have a look at it again, see how I can improve. I knew the "eyes" bit would cause a bit of confusion, in a way maybe they can be for both myself and the reader, I quite like the ambiguity. Though when I was writing it, my intention was my eyes, I was trying to offer an image of myself being as yet unskilled at poetry, yet it is I who must learn the skills. Whether that image worked or not I suppose thats up to the reader.
Overall though, I agree fellpony. i quite like it, its not a bad effort if i must say so ha |
Written by punchy (372 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
| Welcome back and what an entrance.x |
Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Welcome back Mr Soul.
A few things have changed while you’ve been away. Blood and guts - Shits and fans. But you’re worth it. Don’t go disappearing on GW again.
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (455 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
"fill your mind with words and your gut with drinks"
lol. Writing can be like that sometimes. You are in good company there.
Nice to see you here again. |
Written by Brett (474 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
A hearty return. What steve said about blood and guts is right, it's been like Saving Private Rhyme (Ttcchh - shocking). I certainly enjoy the spirit of this piece and am well aware it is a brief and smiling wave of greeting before we sit down and chat over...
'your mind with words and your gut with drinks'
The words priority, I imagine. Word of warning though; your mind never gets full of words, it's like an infinite warehouse attached to a pituitary gland, plenty of storage and always room for more - sadly a little like the gut; I have tried my very best to fill it with drink, but it just keeps expanding like a home-kit sperm whale.
Still, nice to have you back.
All the best and kind regards
Brett |
Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 |
Welcome back, Mr. Soul. I don't have a great deal of time on my hands these days since I'm renovating my mothers house. Doing cupboards right now! 
Anyway, I just want to say that I'm fairly new at poetry as well. so I do understand the highs and lows. But I believe the effort is well worth it, and anyone taking the time to read and leave a comment is priceless.
Glad you're back!
 |
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 4th April 2008 |
| Welcome back Mr Soul. Good luck with your writing. |
To everyone
Written by mr_soul (80 comments posted) 4th April 2008 |
| Thanks to everyone, I will certainly try my best. Thank you! |
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