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Verse inspired by a flowering lillipilli tree. |
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By patterjack
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04 April 2008 |
As I do not wish to compete in any Eisteddfod-ish way, ( I am no Welsh Bard ! ) I sought Brett's approval before posting this. He kindly did approve, pointing out that I had neglected to alliterate the opening of the second line of each stanza with the last word of the preceding line.I think I have now acceded to that requirement. I hope that is all I missed.
He tells me he is working on the other seven !!! versions of the form
Let me say, he's on his own . Unless some part of the sky falls,one is enough for me !
Verse inspired by a flowering lillipilli tree
The lillipilli in its plastic tub
tufted, white, fantastic ;
the bees, enthusiastic
buzz hymns ecclesiastic.
The flowers themselves are the central hub;
here choice is stochastic;
gatherings orgiastic
in pollen bags elastic.
For all pollination this is the nub:
now loss would be drastic;
they show their feats gymnastic
so plants can be dynastic.
Too many words! this we must surely dub
dull verse pleonastic.
Mockers in tones sarcastic
might call it hudibrastic. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 | Until I joined GW, I had no idea there were so many forms of English poetry, and a million formulas to crafting the art! This poem is so entertaining. I had to look up so many words in the online dictionary. I found particularly interesting the verses "buzz hymns ecclesiastic" and "so plants can be dynastic". The words seems to personify the insects and the plants in my mind, as if they are building their own kingdoms unknown to us. After looking up the dictionary, I found the last stanza so funny, and so very clever! Really enjoyed it, patterjack. (As I said before, a dog raised in a school....  )
Mia | All I can say...
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 | ... is woof woof in Corgi
patterjack |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 | Hi pj,
Well, I don't know the rules of this form so I cannot judge you too harshly. It appears that the first lines ryhme, and the last three lines of each stanza rhyme. According to this short bit of assumption, I think this turned out rather cute. You must try another for your fans a GW. Please????
bl | Brian, you are a...
Written by Brett (983 comments posted) 4th April 2008 | walking rhyming dictionary. I loved
'gatherings orgiastic
in pollen bags elastic.'
I urge you to at least potter about with the other forms of englynion, there are great fun (if you're a mental masochist).
Cheers |
Written by punchy (535 comments posted) 4th April 2008 | Masterful rhyme and so many words I have never heard before. Tell me did you use a rhyming reference site? or are you a dictionary?
Fantastic stuff, I may have a go at that style but will def need help!
Nice one
Paula x | I did run out
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 4th April 2008 | and had to dig to find pleonastic -- a piece of luck
thanks
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 4th April 2008 | Very clever - and made me smile - once I'd looked up pleonastic - and I'm sure a challenge and therefore fun to write. However - while I'm sure it's not the point of the piece, it carries much less of your normal 'connectivity' (a word I use in the absence of anything better - I mean the way I connect) and power. Limited by the form, I guess.
I still liked it, but for me it has a certain sterility brought about by its fixed nature. I guess it goes back to an earlier comment I made about how people read. Poets who immerse themselves in form will probably find many elements that fascinate. Someone like me, who reacts more emotionally, probably doesn't see the art as strongly.
I hope all this makes sense. Not a criticism - just a reason why this time I haven't really connected as I normally do.
Phil | Of course , Phil
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 4th April 2008 | You are right about the sterility of the fixed form here . I very much appreciate what the lillipilli is trying to do ( odd thing to say , but I mean it ) and its relation to the bees , and if I had not decided to have a go at the englyn form for once I might have writtten a better poem. Brett's effort was far superior , mine is a bit smart arse .
patterjack |
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