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By gutterkitty
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05 April 2008 |
She bound me
in scarlet lace.
Painted my lips
into a flag.
Slit my skirt,
proudly produced legs
pale as ghosts.
Polished nails
sang like sirens.
In the mirror
my body shouted
BREASTS, SEX, GO ON
GIVE IT A GO.
I’d never seen it so loud before.
The ground seemed lost,
swung as I stabbed it
with each heel.
I’m not sure.
My small voice.
How could it be heard
above the noise of thighs,
the yes of flesh?
Surely I’d lose it
in the hollow between my breasts.
You want him to want you, don’t you?
she asked with steady eyes.
I guess. I think. Should I?
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Short lines...
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 5th April 2008 | ... strike again.
Don't let the poem every day for a month business seduce you into setting down thoughts in any old fashion just to get something on paper . Fatal !
I think this loses continuity of thought and expression here and there because of that .
Powerful , passionate , but a bit raw !
patterjack |
Written by punchy (493 comments posted) 5th April 2008 | Really thought provoking, made me feel horribly uncomfortable. But I think that was how the girl felt in this poem, horribly vulnerable and not ready. Ouch!
Great poem x |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 5th April 2008 | Thanks Brian but I think you've misunderstood my motivation for writing this...I didn't write it for NaPoWriMo, it came to me spontaneously (1am when I was brushing my teeth- very convenient) and I'd like to think I always take care about my line lengths and choose them deliberately. I don't regularly use such short lines but I do at times (see Chameleon) when I want to focus on the precise choice of words as much as the phrases that contain them. Of course it might not be effective- I've still got a lot to learn- but if so I don't think it's anything to do with the poem a day challenge. I was sceptical about it at first as well but it's given me the push I needed when I usually don't write a thing in my holidays.
Thanks for your comments too punchy, you picked up well on the vulnerability I was trying to convey. | Motivation
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 5th April 2008 | ... accepted -- but I hope you can understand why I said what I did about NaPoWriMo -- of which the very title looks like an abomination.
I was with you all the way until stanza 4 .There the short lines did not work for me and triggered my thought of haste.
As I said -- powerful , passionate -- if a bit raw . Sorry if ou feel insulted .
patterjack | Wonderful stuff...
Written by Steve_K (54 comments posted) 10th April 2008 | That was one of the best poems I have read on this site for a long time. The images hit me like the wind from a passing lorries and the language was delicious. Especially like the image of the heels stabbing the ground but my favourite line was:
"above the noise of thighs,
the yes of flesh?"
Really great work. Brilliant poem. I can't see the basis for the criticism!!! |
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