Tonight I taught the cadet the stars
Pointing out Bellatrix, Rigel, Betelgeuse
And down the abdomen to Sirius
With Orions belt holding up the night sky
The sea was calm, the air bitter
Like pepper on the exposed face
I told him we were done for the night
I stayed on the bridge wing, contemplating
The moon spread itself across the sea
I thought of the story of the big cheese
The only sound was the noise of water
Delicately and lovingly licking the hull
Then I remembered that Indian Summers night
My friend had drunkenly staggered to bed
We were alone on the swings
Looking up at the stars
We kissed until it rained
The stars shone down as ever
While I made my excuse to leave
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (626 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
Beautiful images. My favourite lines were: "like pepper on the exposed face" although I would have been tempted to say "my exposed face" to make it more personal. and "we kissed until it rained" which tells me something about the relationship - although I am not sure what! I note there is no punctuation in the lines but I would advise putting in the apostrophes in Orion's and Summer's. But really, really vivid. And I thought you seafaring types were always fettling your engines, scrubbing your decks, or hoisting your mainsails. How wrong I was! |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
There's a lovely cadence to this that takes the reader (or at least me) into your experience and memory. Liked it very much. It's a very gentle and perhaps slightly sad read. A genuine question, not an argumentative one: why partial punctuation Why not all there, or not there at all? Phil |
Written by Steve_K (55 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
| Thank you both for the reviews. As for your question regarding punctuation Phil, the reason I don't usually use it in poems is that when I write poems I usually write them fast. Normally they take about ten minutes, this took seven. It's not out I laziness that I don't use punctuation but for the simple matter that my poems are stream of consciousness derived so I kind of what to keep that feel to it because I don't use punctuation in my head. At least I try not to! Cheers |
Hi Steve Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
liked this a lot mate, very good visuals and you took me right there with you. a good write. Bernie |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
Beautiful. What use of words! The last stanza stopped me - it's a memory, not a current happening to the previous stanzas. I think I get it. And what a thing to remember on a star-struck night. You have a way of making words come so vividly alive. Lovely. Mia |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 11th April 2008 |
| Very good imagery as well as some kind of sad and nostalgic sentiment weaving through the whole thing. I especially like the first line, "Tonight I taught the cadet the stars", though I'm hard pressed to pinpoint exactly why. Just stirs something inside me. |
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