Winter mornings are best ignored
The morning star paled slowly in the early light of day,
The milky way has disappeared somewhere along the way.
Trees and shrubs are coming from behind the night time gloom.
Soon, I'll see all the view from the window of my room.
The light inside is better now; I can see a curtained square.
The ceiling is almost visible and looks to be quite bare.
I cannot see the cobwebs, but I know they'll still be there.
Its time to make a move and breathe the frosty air
I'll leave my warmth and comfort, the quiet of my home
To go out into the fields to see where the cattle roam.
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Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
There's always a secure and reassuring connection between your words and your environment - or at least the part of your environment you choose to share with us. I really like that in your work. It's a little like being taken around somewhere by an experienced tour guide who not just looks after his exhibits, but genuinely cares for them. I'm a little put off by it's strict adherence to pattern and often wonder if your verse would be more effective if you let go a little - write without the constraint of rhythm and rhyme - at least to start - and see what came out - applying a structure to that afterwards if you wanted. I'm no poet, so that could be a ridiculous suggestion - just a personal reaction.
Phil.
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Written by owlhoot (17 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
| I'm not a morning person, so perhaps I'm biased. Nothing would inspire poetry in me at daybreak. Well done! |
Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
| I agree with Phil's suggestion Rob. There are times when you're working through an idea or a visual, when you force something else in, for the sake of a rhyme scheme. That does weaken a poem considerably. Something else I found dragged at my attention was the use of "see" and "looks" several times in the middle section. It's a fine theme - not uncommon of course - but you have the opportunity to make something specially memorable of it by focusing on your particular environment. It's worth some work I think. |
Hi Robru
Written by maipenrai (780 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
agree with fp but at the same time found this to be a good write, enjoyed the read.
Bernie |
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
| I think your poetry shines with its well structured metre and rhyming Rob, and I commend you on the lovely poem you have written. I always feel that you are well connected to the world of nature and that you are just opening a window into that world for me to see through. Excellent writing. I really did enjoy reading your poem. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (890 comments posted) 6th April 2008 |
I love this poem. It seems as if you cannot separate yourself from your land, that you love it in all aspects, the good and the harsh. I wonder if that identity comes from the oz outback life. I know the Aboriginal people so identify themselves with their land. You remind me of Judith Wright's poem I read in high school. She, too, identified with the land so much, she compared it to her womb.
Mia  |
Written by Robru (125 comments posted) 8th April 2008 |
Hi Phil- You may be right in that I stick to a pattern too rigidly. My other half says I should experiment with free verse or something and see what comes out. Your suggestion is not rediculous at all. Thank you for some food for thought.
To Owlhoot all I can say is that the moring is the best part of the day to me. I sometimes wake in the dark and sit and watch the changes as dawn breaks. Its always different.
I thank you Fellpony for your contribution. Lis says I should have a greater variety in my writing. You are both probably right. Its worth working on for the future.
Thanks Bernie, I appreciate your comments. My time has been limited as I caretake 2000 acres of cattle farm and try to write, paint miniatures, enjoy photography and restore old fashioned furniture in my spare time. I'm moving to another place where there are no cattle, no 2000 acres and will have more time for the things I like to do.
Thank you Josie, I am flattered and do appreciate such comments. I do have a strong bond with the land where I live and would love others to see it as I do from my writing,but, I think I have a way to go yet to get there.
Yes Mia I cannot separate myself from the land. When all is said and done we all come from the land and will return there one day. All lands are harsh at times and gentle at others but still beautiful if you look for the beauty that exists even in the harsh times.
I thank you all for helping me to see better ways of writing down what I want to say. I will,in time edit most of what I have written. |
Written by Brett (474 comments posted) 8th April 2008 |
I think there is much in your verse to be admired, and there certainly is in your words "All lands are harsh at times and gentle at others but still beautiful..." I could not agree more. There is more beauty in the frost on a single leaf than there is in a hundred miles of man-made, sun baked beaches.
Regarding form, I am guilty of adhering to various forms of poetry, but I agree with Phil and Fellpony that you should free yourself up, for this one at least, or perhaps try it in blank verse (but as Fellpony will tell you, I have not really shone in that style yet).
For what my opinion is worth I enjoyed this as it is.
Cheers |
Written by Robru (125 comments posted) 9th April 2008 |
Hi Brett, My attempts at free verse have been consistent disasters so far..I have not liked them myself. I shall take time out in the coming winter when its too cold to go outside and edit, rewrite and think about a lot of my poetry. Thank you for taking time to comment.
Cheers, Bob |
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