Welcome to my first chapter of "Event". This is also my first story I wrote which I have completed. There is up to 10 chapter so far and I welcome all feedback, I take all your comment seriously. I hope you like it!
Chapter 1-The first event
The room was getting hotter, the air getting tighter, the fire in the sofa was spreading and so did the smoke. Her hand was badly cut and she tries to untie herself, but it was helpless. She screams and shouts for help but heard no reply. Christian begs to god that Jackie and Muhammad survive. "God I am ready." She added, "Caroline I am coming!"
Three months before the event....
It was an ordinary summer, the sun is out, the temperature is warm and the wind is cool. The people in the High Streets are loud, crowded and constantly moving. A slim brunette in her 40s carrying a handbag escapes from the crowd to an internet shop. She looked through the window, some people inside notice her and some were glued to the screen. Eventually she sees a young brunette in her 20s sitting on a chair in front of a computer smiling at her, she returned the smile. The young lady leaves her seat and eventually the shop. She hugged the old lady and asked, "How was your day in your office today?" She sighs and replied, "Getting bored of sitting in front of the screen all day." She added, "How was your day in your friend's house yesterday?" The young lady gave a cheeky smile and said, "Getting bored of sitting in front of the TV screen all day." The old lady gave a soft laugh and reply, "Cheeky girl!" The young lady then started to hum the Cheeky girl tune until the old lady squeezes her. The young lady immediately stopped and said in a weak tone, "I can't breathe!" She added, "Let me go!" The old lady reply, "Oh I am sorry!" She let her go and they cross the road to a Chinese restaurant called The Imperial Dragon. A Chinese pop music is being played and very few of the customers are Chinese. Near the window is a gentleman in his 40s wearing black & white suits, he looked like he was going straight to a funeral after his lunch. His is sitting in a table for three reading a newspaper, on the floor beside him is a shopping bag. They walk up towards him unnoticed and the young lady asked, "What are you looking at?" The old lady added, "I hope it is not page3 girls!" He stopped looking and gave a polite smiled to them. He stood up, hugged the young girl and said, "Good afternoon Caroline." She replies, "Hi Samuel." Samuel hugged and kisses the old lady, "Good afternoon Christian." Christian replies, "Hello darling!" They sat down together and Christian puts her handbag onto her lap. A waiter takes their order and leave. Caroline looks out of the window looking at nothing but a passing Muslim and a priest. Samuel and Christian hold hands on the table and Christian asked, "How was work?" Samuel answered, "Caught a few troublemakers today." Caroline asked her mum, "What do you think of Muslim?" She answered, "All religion are good." She added, "But not all believers are good." Caroline asked, "What do you think of dad?" She paused and answered, "A bad father and a bad partner." There was a short moment of silent in the table until a waiter place their dishes to the table and leave. Samuel takes a shopping bag beside him and said, "Surprise!" Caroline was delighted and examined the shopping bag, inside was a mobile package. Caroline hugged Samuel and said, "Thank you. I won't lose this one!" Christian takes out a ticket to Caroline from her handbag and added, "Here is another surprise for you birthday on tomorrow!"
|
Written by Jo (6 comments posted) 25th January 2006 |
Like to see you've included a fair amount of dialogue. Need to set this against some background details - more characterisation, otherwise the characters just feel like cardboard cut outs without any personality.Watch your tenses, you switched between past and present, and grammatical errors. Also where's the story leading? This chapter seems to be alot about setting the scene and tone. Good luck with it. |
Hits Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Must be disappointing to have so many hits and only 1 review huh? Thought I would make the effort. Is English your first language? Reason I ask is that even I can spot many errors in tenses, plurals etc. Would also be easier to read divided up a little more into paragraphs for me. Will read the other chapters. |
Written by IPFaulkner (83 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
It does still need work. And there are gramatical errors. Perhaps a little more direction - i.e. toward a conclusion or some dramatic incident. We don't know much about the characters and how they relate to the incident at the start - the fire. Good luck. IPF |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.